


Butterflies and all

by bunnysworld



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Drama, M/M, Online Dating, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 07:09:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 34,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4616064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnysworld/pseuds/bunnysworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin feels like a loser. He’s almost 30 and still hasn’t managed to find a boyfriend, there must be something seriously wrong with him. He’s tried all the dating websites but it seems he only ever attracts the freaks. He’s ready to give up on love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Butterflies and all

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Merlocked18](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merlocked18/gifts).



> This is my entry for this year's After Camlann Big Bang.
> 
> I had so much fun writing this and working with wonderfully talented Merlocked18. You are an inspiration, hon! The story wouldn’t be what it is without you. Thanks, dear mods, for letting me play in your playground once again and for all the hard work you put into this. Thanks to issy5209 and pendragonns for turning this story from Bunnish into English. Everything that is still in there is because sometimes I’m just a stubborn git or I just didn’t see it, so…all my fault, not yours, you are wonderful. Last, but not least, thanks to everyone who cheered me on and kicked my butt when I complained about being stuck and such. ;) I hope you like what I have this year.
> 
> Aside from the OCs, everyone belongs to BBC and Shine. We just took them out to play and returned them unharmed. They are even happier now. Honestly! *nodnods* No infringement of anything intended.
> 
> Don't forget to give all the love to [Merlocked18's wonderful art](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4470602)

Merlin opened the door, toed his shoes off and pulled the beanie off his head.

“You’re back early.” Lance came out of the kitchen, a sandwich and a beer in hand.

“Tell me about it.” Merlin hung his coat on a hook and stuffed the scarf into the pocket.

“Take a beer and join me. I haven’t started the movie yet, only came home about twenty minutes ago.”

Lance worked odd hours as a doctor in the A&E and it was close to a miracle that he was home on a Saturday night at 10:30 pm anyway. “What are you watching?”

“That comedy we wanted to catch at the movies but didn’t because I had to work? It came out on DVD today,” Lance beamed.

Merlin chuckled. “Which one of the comedies we wanted to catch at the movies but didn’t because you had to work? Just start it, I’ll make myself a tea first.”

Lance nodded and balanced his plate to the living room.

Merlin leaned against the counter as he waited for the kettle to boil. What a wasted evening. He’d written with the bloke for weeks and he sounded really nice and looked okay on his photo. Merlin had put some extra effort in getting dressed and doing his hair and made sure he was on time only to find out the man was late and instead of an apology, the first thing the guy had said was “Gosh, you only consist of ears!” And that had been that. The evening went downhill from there. Merlin didn’t know what people expected. He had his photos on all his profiles on online dating portals, people knew what they were in for, he didn’t hide his ears. But being late _and_ pointing out his ears was plain rude. The man hadn’t done anything to hide his disappointment and half-heartedly talked about sports, knowing full well that Merlin so wasn’t interested in footie. He had finished his beer, told the guy that he was sorry that they just didn’t click and had left. How could it be that people were so different online? How could a sweet, caring guy turn into such an idiot in real life?

The water boiled and he poured it into his mug, adding just the right amount of milk and wrapped his hands around it as he settled on the couch next to Lance, who had made short process of the sandwich and just looked at the TV set.

“So, not a good date?”

Merlin fumbled for his nasal spray and sniffed before he sighed. “Maybe I should just give up.”

Lance tore his eyes away from the screen to throw Merlin a sideways look. “No, you shouldn’t.”

“Don’t say stuff like that or I’ll turn into a whiny whining thing of whine again.” They’ve had this conversation so often that Merlin was sure that Lance didn’t even hear it anymore.

“Whine away, my whiney friend. I just think that because you ran into some jerks, you shouldn’t give up hope of finding someone. Times are tough but true love is still out there. There’s just so much other stuff to do and think about, so we sometimes overlook the real true epicness of it all.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow and sipped his tea, not convinced. “So you’re saying my significant other is just around the corner, only I can’t see him?”

Lance nodded and looked at his empty plate as if he could make another sandwich appear. “Well, that’s what it was like for me. I was so buried in work and concentrating on my career that I didn’t even notice Gwen being right there. Until…”

“Until she almost cut up your hand handing you a scalpel the wrong way.” Merlin finished the sentence of the story he’d heard too often already. He was happy for his friends that they finally had found each other, but looking at them and hearing their story made him feel even lonelier. When it came to relationships, he was just a loser.

Lance chuckled. “I see you listened when I told the story.”

“It’s not like you don’t tell it all the time, nooooo, not at all.” Merlin managed a smile.

“Just…don’t give up, Merlin. I know it’s difficult. You’re almost thirty, a professional, have your own history…we’re not 16 anymore. But there has to be someone out there. You’re too good to end up alone.”

At moments like this, Merlin wasn’t too sure about that. In the past six months, he’d tried what felt like ALL the websites in existence, even the expensive ones, and spent lots of money getting the right clothes to go on dates, which usually cost a lot, too. And it wasn’t as if he hadn’t met some real nice people along the way. There was Percy, for example. They had written messages for about two months before they went out on a date. It had been a really nice evening and Percy had treated him wonderfully but at the end of the evening, they had to admit that that certain something, that little thing that made your heart speed up and the butterflies in your stomach flutter, had been missing. So they had become friends and sometimes even functioned as wing-men for each other. Percy was great, just not for him.

“Don’t do that to yourself, Merlin.”

He blinked when Lance said that. “Huh?”

“You have self-doubt written all over you. There is no reason for that, you are wonderful and you will find the right guy.” Lance reached over and patted Merlin’s knee.

“Aside from the ears and the teeth and the hair and the fact that I slouch and my accent…and wait till they find out about me being an addict and don’t even get started on my allergies…” These were just a few things he had heard in the past weeks; all the things that were wrong about him. There was not much good left, was there?

Lance rolled his eyes. “You’re only addicted to that dumb nasal spray because of your allergies. When we find something that works against them, you will be rid of that addiction, too.”

Merlin just made a noncommittal sound. He didn’t want to talk about that on top of all his other short-comings, too. “So, what’s this movie about?”

+++

Sitting at yet another table in yet another café, Merlin felt nervous. After that last horrible date, he’d decided that it made no sense to write for weeks. Two or three messages maximum and then he wanted to meet. What was the use of getting along online for months and then finding out they had nothing to say to each other when they were finally face to face? But what if this here would turn into another disaster?

He looked up when someone stepped up to the table and cleared his throat.

“Merlin?”

“Yes?” How come this elderly gentleman knew his name?

“I’m John. May I?” The man gestured towards the chair opposite to him.

“John?” Could it be that this man had the same name than the bloke he was about to meet?

“Yes,” the man, who could easily be his father, if not grandfather, smiled widely and sat down after taking his coat off.

Merlin blinked. “So you…”

The wink the man sent Merlin let shivers run down his spine, and not of the good kind either. “I’m sorry, I manipulated my age a bit. I hope this is not an issue?”

“Manipulated…a bit?” Merlin couldn’t believe it.

“I see you’re a good sport and my God, you’re gorgeous. Do you like to be shown off?”

He probably was a good sport, yes, but one thing Merlin couldn’t stand were bloody liars. “What do you mean?”

The man, John, gestured for the waitress and ordered a tea, followed by some complicated instructions of how he wanted the tea, before he turned back to Merlin. “Oh, I belong to a circle of like-minded gentlemen who gather regularly.”

“Like-minded…” Merlin wasn’t sure he even wanted to hear, but he was still too shocked to move.

“Yes. We all like to pamper young men and at the gatherings we exchange…experiences.”

Merlin’s stomach revolted at the smirk the bloke directed his way. “So you’re playing sugar-daddy…”

“Oh, you would like the gatherings. Of course all of our young friends get to disrobe before we enter the rooms.” He threw Merlin a little judging look. “With a bit of work in the gym – I know just the place – you could be the star of the evening, being able to pick whoever you wanted.”

Merlin felt sick. Not only was this bloke at least twice as old as him, he was…was he really offering to pay him to go to an orgy with old guys with him? “I…I think there was a misunderstanding.”

“I don’t think, so. You’re ‘allears86’, aren’t you? And, by the way, we could do something about those, too. Money isn’t an issue.”

“I’m not sure if you even read a single word of my profile.” Merlin reached for his jacket.

“Oh, I have. You won’t believe the number of young blokes who can’t resist an offer like mine, though.”

“Then,” Merlin got up, “just offer it to someone else.” He couldn’t get out of the place fast enough.

An hour later, Merlin was still walking briskly through the park, his hands buried in the pockets of his jacket, the collar put up and him not having calmed down an iota. Who did this man think he was? All his profiles had said that he was looking for a partner about his own age, long-term, someone to have a future with. If he’d wanted something sick like being whored off, he’d gone to the specific websites. It was a good thing that Merlin hadn’t wasted more time writing with this bloke, who had claimed to be twenty-seven in his profile and had a photo up that was now clearly one his conquests, and not himself. The profile had looked quite normal, like someone Merlin could like. His heart sank once again. Were all online profiles just a lie? Was he the only person being honest in his?

When he had rounded the duck pond for the fifth time, Merlin was at a point where he wasn’t mad at this John-person anymore. He was probably just a lonely rich bloke who thought that buying himself some company would make him less lonely. But the anger about himself grew. Why hadn’t he gotten up and left right away? Why hadn’t he told the man off the moment he found out that the profile had just been a lie? He knew there were lots of blokes looking for an older man, but even though his father had left before he had been born and he never really knew him, he hadn’t developed a daddy-complex and never found being with a man who was that much older appealing. Merlin pulled out his mobile. “Percy?...How about a beer at the pub?…Oh, I’m sorry to hear that…Sure! Want me to bring anything?” His mood had lifted when he hung up. Of course he didn’t like that his friend had hurt his shoulder at footie practice, but at least he could go over and watch a movie and he could tell Percy about his oh-so-wonderful date and they would bitch about this John-person. On his way to Percy’s place, Merlin bought a few bags of crisps and two crates of ice cream and already felt a bit better.

+++

_You’re not really a bookie, are you? ;)_

_*smile* I’m a bookkeeper. Bookie sounds a lot more exciting, doesn’t it?_

_LOL. True. I’m not sure I wanted to chat with someone who makes his money ripping off other people with jinxed bets anyway._

_You have no idea how creative you can be when it comes to bookkeeping. But there are no jinxed bets involved _._ _

Merlin smiled. He really enjoyed chatting with this bloke. He had seen him in the main chat room a few times but had been so busy fighting off all the ‘Wanna fuck?’ messages he usually got that each time he wanted to say ‘hi’ to _bookie175_ he had already left again. Today, _bookie175_ had made a funny remark about a bloke who always came in to announce the latest footie-results – not that anyone cared – and so they had started to talk and later taken it to one-on-one chat.

 

_Listen, allears – did I tell you that I really love that nick? I really laughed out loud when I saw your pic on your profile – I have to leave. But it was nice talking to you. Maybe we can do it again?_

There were times when Merlin would have frowned about the laughing part, but he was in a good mood. _Oi! You laughed at my pic? Now I’m hurt! ;)_

_Didn’t mean it that way. I’ve just seen so many guys here who would have put a photo on that didn’t show the ears and nicks that were meant to make you believe that they are THE looker when in fact they were just average blokes. I like your ears and I love that you play with that feature in your nick, that’s clever. Don’t be cross with me._

_I was just teasing. It’s true. I’m all ears. It’s the first thing you notice. And when you have been rejected because of it as many times as I have, you point it out first. So nobody can call you upon it later for hiding. *shrugs* But I don’t want to keep you, if you have to be somewhere._

_I’d rather stay and chat with you._

_Don’t make me blush._

_I like blokes who still can blush. It’s endearing. But I really have to run now. Will you be here tomorrow?_

_At what time?_

_7?_

_I’ll see to it._

Merlin beamed. It almost felt like a date, even though it would only be a virtual one.

After they had said bye, Merlin pulled up bookie’s profile again. He was a bit older than him and said that he was a bit shy and that he liked to read. He had a dog named Abigail and liked to stay fit to keep up with Abi when they did agility. The photo he’d uploaded showed a man in his thirties with kind eyes, a head full of curly hair, and a bit of scruff on his face. Not really what Merlin would have described as the man of his dreams, but he wasn’t bad-looking, so if he was as nice as he had been today, maybe it would work out this time.

While they had been chatting, a few new messages had popped up on Merlin’s screen. One of them was from an idiot he’d met a while ago and who wouldn’t take no for an answer, so Merlin put him on Ignore. All the others – more or less crude variations of ‘Wanna fuck?’ – got a polite ‘no, thank you’ before Merlin logged off.

Making another tea and then getting comfortable in front of the TV, Merlin pondered if he would be lucky this time. After all these failures and all the men who were just looking for some cheap fun, there had to be someone Merlin could spend some time with. He couldn’t be such a hopeless case, could he? After pulling a fleece throw around him, Merlin found a detective show he liked to watch, pulled one leg underneath himself, and slurped his tea.

+++

“Leave the beanie at home!” Gwen leaned against the doorframe to Merlin’s room.

“It’s bloody cold outside, Gwen, I’ll freeze.” Merlin checked his looks in the mirror again. After chatting with _bookie175_ \- Leon - for hours in the past two days, they had decided to meet. Instead of sitting about in a stuffy café or pub, Leon had suggested that they’d go for a walk in the park. Merlin liked the idea. This way, if they didn’t have anything in common in real life, they could just part ways without the awkward time where they were waiting for a waiter or to pay for their drinks or something.

“Then you’ll just let him warm you up.” She winked. He had asked Lance’s girlfriend to help him pick out the right clothes and after she had laughed at his collection of plaid shirts, she had picked a nice one that matched a jumper he could wear over it, pointing out that it matched the colour of his eyes.

“You think so?” Merlin smiled.

Leon sounded really nice; like someone he wanted to spend more time with, someone who wanted more than a quick shag. Little voices nagged in the back of his mind though, reminding him of some other times where he was head over heels for a stranger who turned out to be a jerk.

“I know you’ve had some bad experiences, but don’t let those stop you. Just go, have a good time, don’t expect too much and see where it will lead you.” She reached up and ruffled his hair. “That’s better.”

Merlin thanked her, stuffed his gloves and his beanie into the pockets of his jacket and left.

+++

Climbing the stairs of the tube, Merlin had tried to think of a good thing to greet Leon with. Why was he so nervous? He had been on what felt like a million dates, he shouldn’t be nervous about a walk in the park. Then again, nobody had ever suggested a walk in the park, so maybe Leon was different. When Merlin entered the park and rounded a corner, he saw the man standing there, waiting for him.

“Leon?”

The tall man turned around and a wide smile appeared on his face. “Merlin, it’s good to finally meet face to face.”

They shook hands and Merlin felt like meeting an old friend until the dog at Leon’s side barked. “And who have we got here?”

“This is Abigail, Abi to her friends, I’ve told you about her.”

The dog sniffed interestedly at Merlin’s offered hand and then wagged her tail. “Can I pet her?”

“She seems to like you, go ahead.”

So Merlin greeted the dog properly, telling her what a beauty she was and what soft fur she had. Not that the sweet-talk was something that would interest the dog, but it came naturally.

When he straightened up again, there was a look on Leon’s face that Merlin couldn’t place. “What? Did I do something wrong?” Damn, that was a new record time for a major mistake.

“Not at all. Let’s walk a bit, it’s getting cold.” Leon removed the leash and Abi sniffed about, running around a bit only to come back and check if they were still there. “I wasn’t sure if you would come.”

Merlin threw Leon a look. “Why not? I really liked our online conversation, of course I wanted to meet the person behind it.”

Leon shrugged. “Too many times of being stood up.”

“Really? A bloke like you?” Merlin had had his share of guys not showing up for dates and looking into the mirror, he knew the reasons, but Leon?

“I’m too old for the scene. I’m thirty-four already.”

“Your profile says so. If someone doesn’t like it, why would they want to go on a date in the first place? I don’t get people.” Merlin sighed. “Have you been on many dates?”

“A few, you?”

“Same. I’ve met some really wonderful people, some of them I’m still friends with. But you’re right, there are a lot of idiots out there.”

Leon nodded and they started sharing some of their worst experiences and Merlin grinned a lot. Even though it didn’t bring either of them closer to what they really wanted, it was good to know that he wasn’t the only one who seemed to have a knack for attracting the wrong people.

Abi came back with a small branch and dropped it at Merlin’s feet. “You want me to throw it for you?” The dog wagged her tail and looked at him expectantly.

“This is the dog playground. See, many other dogs and people are used to flying sticks and Frisbees and things, so if you want to, throw it for her. You don’t have to, though.” Leon watched as Merlin picked the stick up and threw it, much to the delight of his dog.

They played for a while and Merlin didn’t even notice that it had gone dark already. “I think…”

“You know…” Leon started at the same time.

“You first.” Merlin smiled, a bit unsure. This was the moment he dreaded. He had a good time, he liked Leon and wanted to know more. But what if Leon didn’t see it that way? “I don’t know when they will close the park, but…if you don’t have other plans, we could…I don’t know…go for a beer? Or something to eat?”

Leon’s smile widened. “I was just about to ask you the same thing. There’s a little diner-pub-whatever-you-want-to-call-it at the corner that allows dogs inside. Abi can sleep under the table – and I’m sure she will after all this excitement – and we don’t have to end our conversation.”

Merlin nodded, Leon whistled for Abi and together they left the park.

+++

A few hours, a couple of beverages, some salads and a lot of good conversation later, they stood in front of the tube station.

“I’m…,” Merlin looked up at Leon. “I’ve had a great time.”

“As I told you, I hadn’t met anyone in a while after all those bad encounters, so I was really looking forward to meeting you.”

“But?” Merlin’s heart sank and his face fell.

“No but! I really enjoyed our time together and…I’d like to see you again.” Leon smiled shyly.

Merlin’s mood lifted. “Oh, good! Yeah, I mean, yes! Of course! I wanted to ask you the same thing!”

They exchanged numbers, Merlin ruffled Abi’s fur, and Leon hugged him as good-bye. When he left the tube at his destination close to home, his mobile beeped and Merlin smiled widely when he opened the message. ‘I’ve had a wonderful time. Let’s do that again real soon.’

+++

“I like that little smile on your face.” Freya pulled herself up and sat on Merlin’s desk, dangling her feet.

Merlin made faces at her while he typed away on his computer.

“Come on, it’s nice to see you smile like that. Tell me about him.” She took another sip of her soda and looked expectantly at him.

Knowing there was no use in trying to finish the project he was working on, Merlin closed the file and turned towards his friend. They’d known each other since school; Freya had been his one adventure wandering into the het world and somehow they had managed to get over the awkwardness and be best buddies ever since. “Alright. What do you want to know?”

“Everything!” Freya leaned forward.

Merlin chuckled. “His name is Leon, he’s 34 and a bookkeeper.”

“Sounds boring. What does he look like?”

“He’s a lot taller than me and…here, look.” Merlin pulled up a photo he’d taken at one of their walks with Abi.

“Not bad, not what you usually go for. So I assume, he’s got special…talents?” Her eyes were sparkling with mirth.

“No, not what I usually go for, but he’s not bad-looking and very nice."

"You know, he’s not looking for a quick fling, he wants someone to stay around and that’s what I want, too. Maybe it’s time to get away from searching for a certain type.”

The grin slid off Freya’s face. “I know you’ve been having a tough time, Merlin, but…this sounds like you’re giving up and settling for less than you wanted.”

“No! No, no, that’s definitely not it. I just think that looking for that specific type might have…I don’t know…make me overlook the others who might have been just as perfect? Or even better?”

Freya didn’t seem to be convinced but let it go. “Tell me all about your first date. Were butterflies involved?”

Merlin smiled. They had talked about this a million times, sometimes Freya told him he was crazy, other times she sighed with him when he told her he felt the butterflies in his stomach. The butterflies that indicated that he was in love. If he didn’t feel the butterflies, it didn’t work out, there was not enough emotion involved. Freya usually scolded him and told him not to listen to the pesky insects – and how had they gotten into Merlin’s stomach in the first place? Did he eat caterpillars? – they had been wrong in the past. But Merlin firmly believed that this was a sign he should listen to.

+++

Merlin stretched and yawned. “Sorry.”

Leon smiled. “Don’t worry. Actually, I like it that you are so relaxed here that you fall asleep while we’re watching TV.”

“You don’t mind that I fell asleep on you?” Merlin pulled back a bit. He liked being snuggled up to Leon, feeling Leon’s arm around his shoulder, inhaling Leon’s scent.

“The movie really isn’t that great.” Leon chuckled.

“Must have been all that running around in the park today. Abi fell asleep straightaway when we came back.” Merlin yawned again.

“You know what? It’s her doing that you are here.” Merlin looked at Leon. Just like the few times before, they had had a great time in the park again but instead of going to a diner or a pub after their walk, Leon had taken him to his place and they had prepared a wonderful meal together – or rather Leon had cooked and Merlin was assigned to chopping and stirring – and then they had decided to watch a movie. Merlin could hardly believe that this was his first time here, he felt so at ease and at home with Leon.

“Her doing?”

“Yes,” Leon nodded and reached for his wine glass. “You know I’ve met a few blokes before you. And sometimes, Abi didn’t like them. She was right. The ones she growled at turned out to be jerks in the end. She immediately liked you and I have learned to trust her judgement.”

“So…” Merlin didn’t really know how to react to that. “I’m Abi-approved now?”

Leon laughed. “Looks like it.”

Merlin grinned. “Then, it’s an honour. But…it’s late, I really need to go home. Do you have plans for tomorrow?”

“I thought…remember when you told me about that show you’ve seen the posters for?”

Merlin nodded.

“How about we try to get tickets for that?”

“Sounds great.” Merlin got up and stretched again. He toed into his shoes as he fumbled for his nasal spray and then went to get his jacket.

Leon followed him to the door. “You use that stuff quite often, don’t you?”

Merlin paled. This was the point where Leon would tell him off. Nobody wanted a junkie, even though the drug was something as relatively harmless as nasal spray. He nodded. “I got too used to it during allergy season. I’ve told you about my hayfever, and now my nose just needs it. It’s nice to be able to breathe, you know?”

Leon just nodded. “I see.”

“You…you don’t mind?” Merlin looked at Leon with wide eyes, knowing it wouldn’t be okay and Leon would toss him out. It was just nasal spray, but it was a drug after all and it was a rather annoying habit.

“No, I don’t think so. You need it to breathe and as you said, being able to breathe is nice, so…” Leon shrugged. “I just wondered if you had a cold or something.”

Shaking his head, Merlin smiled. “No, no cold. Just stuck in the vicious circle of being an allergic person.”

Leon chuckled. “As long as you’re not allergic to me…”

Merlin joined the laughter as he opened the door. “Thanks for the wonderful day, Leon. I’m looking forward to tomorrow.” Without even thinking about it, Merlin got up on his toes and pressed a kiss on Leon’s lips but before the other man could react, Merlin had already let go, pulled the beanie out of his pocket and left.

+++

Merlin felt good all the way home. He was sleepy and happy that he felt so comfortable with Leon.

But when he entered the place and hung his jacket up, he froze and blinked. Had he really just kissed Leon like that? And then ran before Leon could do anything about it? What would Leon think now?

Merlin checked his mobile, but there was no message from Leon, so he switched on his computer, but Leon was not online and hadn’t left him anything on the dating platform either. Damn, he’d messed up again. For once he’d found a guy who shared his interests and who he liked to spend his time with and then he messed it up by doing something stupid like that. He slumped down on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

Maybe he was overreacting? Maybe Leon didn’t think too much of that one little innocent kiss and wouldn’t even mention him running? It had felt nice, the slight scratch of Leon’s stubble, the way his lips felt. Maybe he should just walk in and kiss him properly the next time they spent the evening together? That was a good thought.

Checking his mobile again, Merlin decided against sending Leon a text. He didn’t want to wake him up on top of everything.

Sometime around 2:30, he finally fell asleep.

+++

Merlin woke up to find a cheery ‘good morning’ message from Leon on his mobile.

_Sorry, show’s sold out. Do you fancy some other show or would you like to come over?_

Smiling, Merlin looked at his display. Leon hadn’t forgotten about the show. Too bad it was sold out already, but actually, it didn’t matter if they went to see the show or not. He wanted to spend time with Leon.

_Sure! When?_

_How about you come over when you’re done at work and we cook?_

_:D Sounds great. What do I bring?_

_If I can think of something, I’ll text you, k?_

_Perfect!_

_Merlin?_

Merlin held his breath, unsure what was to come now. Would Leon want to talk about the kiss via text? Or would he type something that suggested they’d do it some more after dinner? _Yeah?_

_Have a wonderful day!_

Merlin wasn’t sure what he had expected, but definitely not that, even though he felt a wave of relief surge through him.

_You too!_

Smiling, he got up and hoped that Lance would be done in the bathroom, so he could take a long hot shower.

+++

Merlin was in a good mood all day long. Not even the most stupid of customers could make him frown. When it was finally time to leave, he whistled as he jumped down the stairs and picked up some dog treats and a few flowers on his way to Leon’s. With everyone else, Merlin would have felt weird, but Leon usually had fresh flowers in his place and he would probably like some tulips. He had texted Leon that he was on his way when he reached the tube station and hopped down the stairs. On the train, he left his seat to a pregnant woman, who smiled shyly at him. So he plucked a flower out of the bunch and handed it to her before he left the train. Why should he be the only one in a good mood today?

The door to Leon’s apartment was open. “Leon?”

“Come on in, Merlin, I need to watch the sauce.”

Closing the door behind himself, Merlin hung his jacket up and greeted Abi, who of course smelled the treats on him and followed him to the kitchen.

“Is it doing anything interesting?”

Leon laughed.

“Not really, but you know how sauces are when you leave them alone for a moment.”

Merlin put the flowers on the counter. “They run havoc, I know. It smells good here.”

“It’ll only be spaghetti and this new veggie sauce that I found the recipe for on the internet.” Leon turned and looked at Merlin for the first time. “It’s good to see you.” He smiled.

“You, too.” Merlin gave the flowers a nudge. “I thought…”

“You shouldn’t have!” Leon’s face lit up. “Thank you.” He leaned down and kissed Merlin’s cheek. “Would you watch the sauce so I can put them in a vase?”

Merlin snatched a dish towel and used it as a makeshift apron. “You trust me with your precious sauce?”

Leon laughed. “Of course I do. And look, Abi, Merlin brought you treats!” Abi wagged her tail and was more interested in the treats than in Merlin.

No matter how nervous Merlin had been throughout the night, as soon as he was with Leon, the nervousness fell away and he relaxed. It could have been weird, but it wasn’t and Merlin knew he liked Leon very much.

They had a wonderful dinner and once again talked about everything and nothing at all. It was so easy with Leon. After washing up, they took their wine glasses over to the living room and when Merlin reached for the remote – they hadn’t finished watching the DVD they had started the last time – he felt Leon looking at him.

“Do I have sauce on my face?” Merlin grinned.

“No, but I’d really like to kiss you now.”

 

The look on Leon’s face was so earnest and the way he asked for permission so sincere that Merlin melted. They wanted to take it slow and Leon had the most perfect timing.

“I…I’m sorry for last night, you know? I shouldn’t have attacked you like that and then run. I’m…”

Leon smiled. “I’ve wanted to kiss you since we first met, but when you kissed me last night, I was too surprised to do anything about it. I was too slow, or else…” He scooted closer.

“Or else?” Merlin smiled and leaned in.

“I would have wrapped my arms around you and kissed you dizzy. May I?”

Merlin nodded and when their lips met, his eyes drifted shut. It had been so long since he really felt like he wanted to kiss someone and only now that Leon pulled him a bit closer, caressed his back through his shirt and didn’t deepen the kiss for a while, Merlin noticed how much he had missed it.

Damn, Leon was a good kisser. He took his time, explored, lead the way but never made Merlin feel as if he wasn’t important and what he wanted didn’t matter. Merlin reached up and cupped Leon’s face with one hand and kissed back, letting Leon set the pace. It felt as if they kissed for hours and Merlin was totally content with just kissing, he didn’t want more at the moment. They both wanted to take it slow and he was fine with that. Too often he had tried to begin a relationship with hot sex, and those usually didn’t end up being about more than sex.

So if they just kissed for a while, it made him feel like he was back in his teenage days, when snogging was the greatest thing and he was way too shy to ask for sex. Not that he didn’t want it. If Leon would take as much time having sex as he did kissing, Merlin was sure he would melt and bliss out and still ask for more.

Finally, Leon pulled back.

“Wow…” Merlin slumped back against the couch and breathed hard.

“Was that a good wow?” Leon sent him one of those shy smiles Merlin liked so much.

“A very good one.” Merlin licked along his swollen lower lip without even noticing.

Leon groaned. “Don’t do that.”

“What?”

“Licking your lip like that.” Leon reached for his glass and sipped some of his wine.

Merlin sat up and grinned. “Why not?”

“I might have to kiss you even more.” Sending Merlin a playful look over the rim of his glass, Leon smiled.

“Leon?”

“Hmm?” Merlin deliberately wetted his lower lip with the tip of his tongue.

+++

Lance was just about to pull his jumper over his head, getting ready for the early shift, when Merlin entered their place. “Whoa, someone’s home ‘early’,” he teased, grinning widely.

“Good morning to you, too, oh medical roomie of mine.” Merlin grinned back.

Looking around for his winter boots, Lance picked one up and hopped around on one leg until he managed to put it on. “So it was a good night?”

“None of your business, Du Lac, but yes, I did have fun.” Merlin tossed his keys on the sideboard. “And now I’m off to bed, if you don’t mind.” He yawned.

“You spent a night in a bed and are still tired?” Lance teased, a wide grin on his face.

“Just so you are informed properly and have something to tell Gwen at your coffee break, I spent most of the night on a couch and we kissed.” Hanging up his jacket, Merlin toed his shoes off unceremoniously.

Lance stopped all motion, the hand with his second boot in mid-air, and looked questioningly at Merlin. “You just kissed? Nothing more? You necked all night long like love-sick teenagers? Wow, Merlin!”

“What? What’s wrong with that?” Scratching at his chest, Merlin’s thoughts already wandered to his soft warm bed and the fact that he could sleep in since it was his day off.

“Nothing at all.” Lance smiled warmly. “It sounds as if you’ve found yourself someone who doesn’t just want that one thing from you. I’m happy for you, my friend.”

“Thanks, Lance.” Merlin yawned again. “But now I’m going to give my lips some rest and dream about something as nice as kissing Leon. Have a good shift, Lance and tell Gwen I said hi.”

“Will do!”

Merlin sniffed and padded towards his bedroom. He knew he should probably have changed into something different, but he could still smell Leon’s scent on his clothes, so he just slipped out of his jeans and into some old sweatpants before he crawled onto the bed and immediately fell asleep.

+++

“How long have you been seeing him now?”

Merlin waited in front of a changing cubicle, the clothes on his arm getting heavy. “Six weeks or so?”

Freya poked her head out from behind the curtain. “Hand me the red one?”

Blinking, Merlin looked at the heap of dresses he was holding. Most of them looked red to him.

“The short sleeveless one.”

That narrowed it down to three. Tentatively, Merlin held one up. “This one?”

“That’s mauve, not red.”

His second pick seemed to be the right one, Freya reached out and pulled it into the cubicle and the move reminded him of one of those deep sea fish they’d seen a documentary on the other day. They were all silent and unmoving until some innocent prey swam by, not expecting anything out of the ordinary and WHAM! the fish moved so fast that you didn’t see it coming.

“So, you’re dating for six weeks and all you ever do is kiss?”

“Freya!” Merlin felt his cheeks heat up and he threw a look around. Luckily all the other shoppers seemed to be way too busy to take any notice.

“What? This is important. You could die of a bad case of blue balls, smoochypooch.” That statement was followed by a whole range of rather colourful curses.

“You okay in there? And you know that one can’t die from that.” Merlin was concerned. Freya usually didn’t make noises like that. She cursed, but the noises were new.

“I’m too fat for this dress.” Followed by a frustrated sigh.

“You said it wasn’t your size…”

“I know, but I still wanted it to fit.”

Women! Merlin knew no matter what he said now, it would be the wrong thing and Freya would pout until he bought her a hot chocolate with lots of cream and when she was done with that, she would pout at him again because a best friend forever was supposed to help her lose weight, not feed her more calories. He would never understand women, Freya was perfect. A little bit on the skinny side, but still she claimed at any given moment that she was too fat. The dress thrown at his face pulled him out of his thoughts.

“I’ll try the mauve one now. That’s the one you tried to hand me before and don’t even try to tell me that you are not colourblind.”

Obediently Merlin handed her the dress after he’d pulled the not-fitting one from his head and no, he wouldn’t tell her that he wasn’t colourblind, he just didn’t care enough about dresses to pay attention.

“When we’re done here, you’re going to treat me to a hot chocolate and we’ll go get you some new outfits.”

“But I have tons of clothes in my closet,” Merlin protested.

Freya grunted and Merlin feared she had pulled a muscle or something before he heard a triumphant cry.

“Just nothing that really fits and suits you, darling. How will you ever get it on with Leon if you always show up in those baggy jeans and the ever-present plaid shirt? Tadaaaaaaaa.” The curtain flew open and Freya walked out in the new dress as if this was fashion week in Paris.

“There’s nothing wrong with plaid shirts…wow!”

“Really? Wow?”

“Absolutely wow. You look stunning!”

“For someone who can’t tell red from mauve, you have a very good taste.” She tossed her long hair back over her shoulder as she made a catwalk-worthy turn and strode back into the cubicle. “Give me the dark green one?”

“But I thought that was it? You look perfect in it. Why do you want to try on even more dresses?” Merlin knew he started to sound a bit whiny.

Freya giggled. “Because I can!”

+++

Merlin looked at the various shopping bags on his bed. This was supposed to have been a shopping trip to get Freya a new dress and probably shoes, but she had turned it around on him and on top of her things, they had gotten a lot of new stuff for him. He had to admit that he looked really good in those fitting jeans and the shirts she had picked for him were not plaid for once. He wasn’t sure if he would ever wear the dress shoes she insisted on getting, but they all looked very sophisticated.

What he liked most – even though he didn’t admit it to Freya – were the different undies they had gotten. Of course, he’d immediately turned to the plaid boxer shorts but Freya found a sales person and together – and under his protest – they had shown him so many other options that he now was the proud owner of five new pairs of boxer briefs, two black, one dark blue, one a darkish green with lions on, and a pair in red with dragons. While Freya had insisted on the pair with lions – “You know who will like them! Lion – Leon…”- and made suggestive motions with her eyebrows, he had reached for the ones with the dragons just because nobody but him liked them.

All the items were spread on his bed now and Merlin was modeling them for himself in front of the large mirror that was attached to the door of his closet. He felt a bit silly. He had never done anything like this before. He bought clothes and wore them, he didn’t model them for anyone, especially not for himself. But he really liked how the fabric of these boxer briefs hugged his buttocks, so he turned to get a better look.

This was no use. After a moment of turning, Merlin snatched his mobile from his desk and snapped a few pictures. Looking at them, he had an appreciative smile on his face. Not bad at all. Should he send the pics to Leon? But that would have been a bit too forward, so he decided against it.

“Lucky bloke.”

Merlin startled when he noticed Lance leaning against his doorframe, his arms crossed in front of his chest, an amused smile on his face.

“How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough to see you taking the selfies,” Lance chuckled. “No worries, mate, I’m not going to tell anyone. So, will he get the teaser photos?”

Grabbing his t-shirt from the bed, Merlin pulled it over his head. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t been in various states of undress around each other, they’ve shared this place for a few years now, but he felt oddly naked with Lance standing there fully dressed and him only in skimpy underwear. “No, he’s not like that.”

The playful grin slid off Lance’s face. “What kind of man wouldn’t want photos like these from the person they love?”

Merlin shook his head. “We’re…we’re taking it slow. I don’t want to dump something like that on him and make him think I’m trying to force him into anything.”

“But…I mean Gwen and I…we have dozens of sexy pics…”

“Out!” Merlin balled up his old jeans and tossed them at Lance. “I don’t need to hear that.”

Laughing, Lance left.

Merlin sat down on the bed and looked at the photos again. Usually, he didn’t like selfies too much, but these were not half bad. Should he send them to Leon? He sighed, snapped a pic of his new dress shoes and sent that. _Went shopping today_

+++

Leon was thrilled about the new shoes and promised to take him to a show sometime soon so he could wear them and show off all his other new acquisitions.

But somehow it stayed at texts and phone calls. First, Leon was really busy at work, then a project exploded into Merlin’s face due to something a co-worker had messed up and he needed to work late for two weeks to fix it.

_I haven’t seen you in so long. Can we meet after work? L_

Merlin sighed. It was true, they hadn’t seen each other in what felt like ages, but first Leon was busy and now he was busy and ‘after work’ meant 5 pm for Leon and Merlin knew he just couldn’t make it.

_I’d love to, but the project isn’t finished yet. Later?_

He hoped it didn’t sound as if he was brushing Leon off. He wanted to see him, it had been too long since they had talked and spent time together.

_I have footie practice later. How about you come to the park and pick me up there?_

Oh good, Leon wasn’t angry or disappointed, he still wanted to see him.

_Good idea! How long will you be there for?_

Actually, Merlin knew that Leon had practice Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6:30 to 8:30, but he needed to make sure nothing had changed in the while they hadn’t seen each other.

Leon confirmed the times and Merlin turned back to work, determined to finish this stupid project as soon as possible.

By the time he had finished up for the day, it was too late to go home and get changed, so he just grabbed his jacket and made his way to the park. It wasn’t difficult to find the football field, the guys were shouting loud enough at their practice match, which would most likely mean they’d be finishing up with practice soon. Merlin leaned against a railing that separated the spectators from the players and his eyes found Leon on the other side of the field. A wide smile spread across his face as he dug his hands into the pockets of his jacket; Leon looked so different. The Leon he knew was always well-dressed and well-groomed, he never got loud or overly excited about anything, but the Leon he saw now was sweaty and dirty, his longish hair tied back with a scrunchie on top, his knee looked skinned and he was yelling orders as he was running back and forth. This was a new side he had never shown Merlin and Merlin liked it.

“Come on, Percy! Are you dreaming?”

Percy? Merlin blinked when he heard someone yell. But there he was, in all of his almost-2-meter-glory, standing between the goal posts where he just let the ball pass, looking sheepish…Percival. What was he doing here? And why hadn’t he mentioned that he knew Leon? Merlin started to check everyone on the field. Maybe there was someone else he knew and things could get awkward? He let out a sigh of relief when he noticed that he wasn’t familiar with any of the other men.

“Okay, guys, just five minutes left, give it all you’ve got!”

A tall bloke emerged from where Merlin thought the locker rooms must be located and readjusted the strings of his shorts. Immediately, the teasing set in that the man couldn’t hold it in any longer and had to run and take a leak five minutes before practice ended.

Merlin only heard that from afar as his eyes followed the blond, who laughed good-naturedly with his teammates before he found his position on the field again, chasing the ball as if it really mattered, and celebrating the goal he shot like he had just won the world cup. Merlin had no idea about football, but he knew the guy was good. And tall. And blond. And just plain gorgeous.

“Merlin!” He tore his eyes away when he heard Leon’s voice. Practice was over and Leon jogged his way.

“Hi Leon!”

Leon squeezed under the railing and leaned in for a quick peck on the lips. “Sorry, I’m sweaty.”

“You’ve just run around for hours, you’re supposed to be sweaty.” Merlin couldn’t help the smile on his face.

“It’s so good to see you.”

Merlin nodded. “I’ve been looking forward to this moment all day long.”

“Leon!” Percy showed up. “You really mean this? THIS is your Merlin? Merlin, it’s you!”

Laughing, Merlin nodded. “The one and only. Why didn’t you ever mention that you are teammates?”

Leon looked from one to the other. “You…you know each other?”

Merlin nodded while Percy took a sip from his water bottle and hung a towel around his neck. “The people I’ve met and am still friends with? Percy is one of them.”

“The best.” Percy grinned. “I just didn’t know that this was your Leon.”

Leon straightened up a bit and he put an arm around Merlin’s shoulder.

“Yes, he is. Damn, the world is a small place.” Merlin grinned up at Leon. “You don’t happen to know Freya and Lance and Gwen already?”

“No,” Leon shook his head and grinned back. “But I better go take a shower, I’ll be back in ten, okay?”

Merlin nodded and while he watched Leon and Percy make their way towards the lockers, he noticed the blond passing by from the corner of his eyes.

+++

Leon was done shortly after and on the way back to his place, they got some Chinese take-out and took a little detour to pick up Abi, who had spent her time at a dog day-care center. She greeted Merlin like a long-lost friend and sniffed interestedly at the bag with the food.

Merlin watched Leon arrange the food onto plates and smiled when Leon put a fork next to the chop-sticks. “Chop-sticks are fine.”

“I didn’t know if you…”

Merlin poured them drinks and they sat down to eat. Never before had Merlin eaten take-out from a plate, sitting at a table. In his world, take-out was to be eaten in front of the TV, right out of the box. Maybe, one day, Leon would manage to make a gentleman out of him, like his mam had always tried and bemoaned the fact that this was one thing she had failed at. “My mam taught me how to do it. I was seven, can you imagine what the kitchen looked like when I was done?”

Leon laughed. “She sounds like a very nice person.”

“She is, you would like her.” Merlin sipped the wine and started to eat.

Over dinner they caught up on the missed weeks and Leon wanted to know everything about Percy. Merlin felt funny. Percy was a story from the past just as he was part of his life now, there was nothing Leon needed to be jealous of but it felt strangely intimate to tell Leon how he met Percy and how they had liked each other from the start, but more as friends than anything else and so they decided to just stay that way. Leon didn’t need to know about their wing-man activities, definitely not.

“So, no butterflies?” Leon smirked.

One night after probably a glass of wine too many, Merlin had told Leon about his theory about the butterflies in his stomach. “Nope, not with Percy. Which is good, he’s a great friend.”

Leon nodded and seemed to be content with the answer.

After dinner they moved over to the living room again, trying to find a movie they wanted to watch. “Should we just finish what we started the last time I was here?” Merlin looked at several DVD cases, not even remembering what they’d watched last time.

“I’d love to.” Leon sat down next to him, leaned in and kissed him.

Even though Merlin was a bit surprised, he didn’t mind at all. Kissing Leon was definitely a good thing and he had missed it. The slight scratch of the stubble, the soft feel of his lips, the way the tip of his tongue teased its way into his mouth…Merlin just sighed and closed his eyes.

+++

_Did you get home alright, sweetypants?_

Merlin blinked at his mobile a bit owlishly. Oh…Freya.

_Yeah, why?_

_You were pretty drunk and I was worried._

_Don’t. Had a great time. Love you._

_Love you, too. Go to bed._

_Will do._

Merlin tossed the mobile onto his nightstand as he toed his shoes off. The music was still ringing in his ears and there was a nice fuzzy feeling that could indeed be explained by the alcohol he’d had but that was alright.

Leon was out of town, some birthday of a relative or something, so Freya had dragged Merlin out to party. Percy had been there, too, and a few others of the footie team whose names and faces Merlin promptly forgot. He’d had fun. Fun he couldn’t have in that way when Leon was there.

Merlin blinked. Where had that thought come from? But he giggled when he tried to imagine Leon at the club dancing. No, that sure wasn’t something Leon would like, so where was the harm in going out and doing this when Leon wasn’t around anyway?

Trying to scramble out of his skinny jeans, Merlin nearly fell over and giggled. “Ssshhhh!”

He giggled again when he realized that he’d just ssshhhh-ed himself; nobody else was here, Lance had the night shift. With one last effort, Merlin found his way to the bathroom, took a leak and throwing the handsome bloke in the mirror a kiss, didn’t spare a single thought about brushing his teeth. His world didn’t exactly spin around him, but it moved when he did, so it was time to go to bed. Avoiding to run into a sideboard – to which he profusely apologized anyway – Merlin tripped over the heap of shoes and jeans he had left on the floor and tumbled into his bed.

“Night,” he said into the half-dark. Only to realize that there was nobody who would say it back. Sighing heavily, he turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling. If only Leon was here. He would finally do it. After all these weeks of waiting, this would have been the night. He would slowly pull Leon’s cardigan off his shoulders and sneak his hands under the white V-neck t-shirt, feeling Leon’s warm skin. He would enjoy the fuzz on Leon’s chest and kiss him everywhere before he’d turn to the task of getting Leon out of his jeans.

Merlin closed his eyes and ran his hand down his chest. His dick hadn’t been touched in so long and at the thought of seducing Leon, it started to harden. He arched when he felt his own fingers on it, imagining they were someone else’s. Teasing in all the ways he liked, Merlin knew he wouldn’t last long but that wasn’t what he was going for anyway. He was way too tipsy to draw it out, he would come and hopefully finally fall asleep, but that didn’t mean it didn’t feel good.

Where he usually could run his fingertips up and down his hard shaft for ages, he just wrapped his hand around his prick and started to stroke hard and fast, once in a while touching the leaking tip with the pad of his thumb. An image of a lover occurred behind his closed eyelids; the man was tall and blond, his sweaty hair plastered against his forehead and he was looking at him with lust-filled intense blue eyes and whispered his name.

 

That was all that Merlin needed to come and after wiping his hand on his t-shirt, Merlin rolled onto his side, pulled the blankets close and finally fell asleep.

+++

Merlin woke up with a smile on his face, even though his head felt slightly fuzzy. He’d had wonderful dreams all night, sexy dreams, dreams of loving and being loved, dreams of…he sat up, which caused him to squint.

“Fuck.”

Slowly he sank back into his pillow and stared at the ceiling. The joy the dreams had left was gone. Yes, he did have great dreams but…the man in his dreams hadn’t been Leon. Definitely not. He didn’t have longish hair, no curls, and no scruff. He had definitely been blond, not as tall as Leon and…

Merlin gasped when he realized that he had seen this man before. Not in his dreams, but as a real person. It was the blond he had noticed when he went to pick Leon up from footie the other week. What was that supposed to mean? Why did he dream of someone else? Why hadn’t he dreamt of his boyfriend? And what did it tell you about his own qualities as boyfriend that Leon went out of town for a weekend and he already started fantasizing about other men?

Merlin knew he could just blame the alcohol and the sheer amount of testosterone he had been surrounded with the previous night. But there must be something seriously wrong with him. He had found a very nice man to be with, even though the pace they moved had become a bit too slow for him, so why did he think of someone else when he was wanking? He wanted Leon, so why didn’t Leon’s face appear in front of him while he was coming? That was not right! He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat up to bury his face in his hands.

What the fuck was wrong with him? Did he even miss Leon when he wasn’t around? He liked spending time with him and everything felt so easy and natural when they were together. He loved their extended snogging sessions and the walks with Abi, their cooking, and the whole domestic-ness of it all because he’d never had that with anyone. So why was he so reluctant to take the next step? Why was he so okay with the status quo? And where were the butterflies?

Maybe he would feel better after a long hot shower and some coffee.

+++

“Come on in!” Merlin held the door open and Gwen carried a huge bowl of whatever in. It was Lance’s weekend off and instead of spending it in his girlfriend’s bed, they had decided to do a movie night with their friends.

Everyone came over and brought something to eat and Lance and Merlin were responsible for the drinks.

“Hi Merlin, will Leon be here, too?” Gwen had brought the bowl into the kitchen and came back, taking her coat off.

Merlin took it from her to hang it up and shook his head. “He had to go see his granny, she’s not well.”

“Sorry to hear that.”

Merlin just nodded and let the next visitor in, which turned out to be Percy. Everyone had asked if he would be there, his baking skills were legendary. Of course he brought a huge container along and from what Merlin saw through the Tupperware, inside was a fancy cake with delicate decoration. “This way to the kitchen,” he gestured, even though Percy knew his way around at his place.

Percy just grinned and made his way over, saying hi to Gwen and Lance on the way, being all mysterious when they inquired about the cake.

Marco, a co-worker of Lance and Gwen, showed up shortly before Freya made her entrance. They were complete.

When everyone had loaded their plates with food and found a seat, they started the movie, which turned out to be not very interesting.

“So, Leon once again had to do some family thing?” Freya, who sat so close to Percy that she almost was on his lap, asked.

“Yes, I’ve told you about his grandmother.” Merlin took a sip of his beer.

“Yeah, grandmother…” She made a face.

“I think they make a cute couple.” Gwen put her plate down.

“Leon and his grandmother?” Percy blinked and Freya giggled.

“No, dufus, Leon and Merlin. They are so sweet and homely together.”

Merlin’s ears started to heat up. His boyfriend and him were hardly a topic of conversation.

“Yes…homely…” Percy threw him a look and raised his eyebrow.

“It can’t be healthy to just snog for weeks.” Freya stuffed her face with popcorn.

“Freya!” Merlin shot her a glare.

“Don’t you think, Percy?” She looked up at him adoringly.

Marco took his eyes from the screen. “Leave the poor bloke alone. It’s their business how fast they want to move.”

Merlin groaned. He didn’t really know Marco and even he had an opinion.

“All I’m saying is that I wouldn’t have waited for eight weeks if Merlin and I had clicked that way.” Percy shrugged. “But you’re right, it’s their business.”

“Come on, they’re playing house…without the essential parts of a relationship.” Freya looked at him with big sad eyes.

Merlin frowned. “I’ll never tell you anything again.”

Freya grinned. “I’d like to see you try, twinkleeyes. But really, I mean it, you know Leon’s cookbooks better than the inside of his underwear drawer, that can’t be normal. It’s like you don’t want him!”

“I do!”

Lance coughed but didn’t say anything.

Merlin was happy when they all turned their attention back to the movie. It wasn’t any of their business. Not at all. If he was honest, though, Percy was right, if they had clicked, he would have ripped the clothes off his friend right away and all that kissing with Leon was nice, but…Merlin sighed. Something was off, even though he couldn’t point out what exactly. Maybe he should remedy that the next time he saw Leon and finally make a move.

+++

Once again, Merlin was at Leon’s and they had prepared a wonderful meal together, which Merlin really enjoyed.

Nothing was wrong with them, they were like that. They took it slow and later, when they were on the couch and smooching, he would start to pluck the clothes off of Leon and finally seduce him. He was wearing his lion-undies and couldn’t wait to see if Leon noticed.

They put the dishes into the sink, took their wine glasses – Merlin had learned more about wine in the past couple of weeks than in his entire life before Leon – and moved over to the couch. They still had enough conversation topics left, telling each other about the time apart, what they had done, whom they had met, and Merlin started to get a bit nervous. He’d never had to actively try to seduce anyone before, it always just kind of…happened, and he hoped he wouldn’t do anything wrong.

When they started kissing, he knew the time had come. Carefully, Merlin stroked his hand down Leon’s side, like he had done a lot of times before. Just that this time, his fingers didn’t stop at Leon’s waistband. Never breaking the kiss, Merlin tugged Leon’s t-shirt free and he almost giggled in delight when his fingers touched soft warm skin. He let his hand wander upwards and pulled back with a surprised gasp when Leon caught his wrist with his own hand.

“Merlin,” Leon sighed.

Looking at him with wide eyes, Merlin’s heart was beating hard. “What’s wrong, Leon?”

“I…,” Leon pulled Merlin’s hand from underneath his shirt. “I don’t know. It’s just…” Turning a bit and bringing a bit more space between them, Leon looked at him. “Don’t you feel it, too? It’s…I really don’t know. How long have we been dating now?”

“Two months? Maybe a bit longer?” Merlin was totally confused. What was happening here?

“Have you never…I mean…do you love me, Merlin?”

Merlin blinked. “Of course I do.” Did he, really? They had never talked about this, for both of them, love was a huge topic, but he felt comfortable with Leon. Was that enough?

“I don’t doubt that you do. But…are you in love with me? Like…can you hardly wait to see me again? Am I your last thought before you fall asleep and the first one in the morning? Are my expectations too high? Because this is what I feel like when I’m in love with someone.”

Swallowing hard, Merlin just looked at Leon. These questions had troubled him for quite a while and they were the reason for his now-failed attempt at seducing. “I…I love you Leon. I feel good when you’re around, I like our cooking sessions, and what we do when we pretend to watch a movie. But…”

“But you don’t hear birds singing when you think of me.” Leon nodded. “Don’t you feel like something is missing? Because that’s what I feel and I don’t like that feeling. Merlin, are there butterflies?” Leon looked at him.

Merlin felt like he was supposed to oppose now. He took a deep breath to assure Leon that he was very happy with what they had, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. It wasn’t true. “No, not really,” he whispered.

“I’m so sorry, Merlin, this shouldn’t be so difficult. When I first met you, I was the happiest man. But now…it’s me, not you. You are wonderful.”

“Don’t give me that crap, Leon. I really like you and I would hate losing you completely. There is nothing wrong with taking it slow, but I felt like this part of us was…in the beginning I liked taking it slow, but now…it’s like this part doesn’t fit, like we’re not supposed to have sex, you know what I mean?”

“That’s exactly what I mean.” Leon looked at him sadly. “I’d love if we could stay friends. You managed to stay friends with Percy, so maybe there’s hope for that. But I would understand if you didn’t want to see me again, ever.”

Abi came over and put her head on Merlin’s knee as if she understood what was going on. He absent-mindedly stroked her soft ears. “I’d like that. We can try and see if that works? You’re a great person and I like spending time with you.”

Leon nodded. “I can still teach you how to cook?”

Merlin chuckled. “There’s that. And we still have tickets to see the musical.”

“True, I still haven’t seen you in your fancy dress shoes.”

Getting up, Merlin sighed. “I’d better go now. I need to be alone for a while.”

He shrugged into his jacket, ruffled Abi’s fur, and let Leon pull him into a hug before he left. He decided to walk home to get a bit of order into his mind.

Merlin didn’t know which of the feelings inside him took up more space, there were quite a few of them. He didn’t like it, but he felt relieved. Leon was a fantastic bloke, someone who took care of the people he loved, but as he had said, it wasn’t enough. Merlin loved their cooking and going to theatres and museums and a part of him hoped that they would manage to maintain a friendship that could still cover that part. His mind knew that they didn’t fit otherwise. It had taken way too long before they even kissed and the butterflies in his stomach had only flapped their wings lazily, not taken flight and fluttered around wildly, that should have been a warning sign.

Still, Merlin was sad. He had really wanted this to work out, but Leon was right, something was missing and no matter how much they wanted it to work, they could never make up the missing part. Leon was fantastic, just not for him. Like with so many others before Leon, Merlin wasn’t compatible. Once again, he had failed. There was nobody out there for him and just as he reached his house, he felt the first tears roll down his face.

+++

That first night, Merlin had just stayed in bed and cried. Not because he had lost Leon, he didn’t even have the feeling that he had lost him, Leon would still be there, but because he was nothing but a failure. He was good at his job, he had friends, but when it came to relationships, he did it all wrong. There must be something seriously wrong with him that he always managed to drive everyone away. Or just attract those who ended up as friends. Like Percy. Percy was wonderful, tall, sexy, and his shy, gentle ways only added to the sexiness. But somehow not even that was enough to pass as a long-term partner. So it must be him. Merlin knew he wasn’t a looker. He worked out regularly and with Percy’s help he had gained a few muscles in the right places. It finally looked as if he’d outgrown his gangly phase. He didn’t look like Percy who consisted only of muscles, but his arms had taken on some nice definition and if he worked a bit harder, he might have shown a six-pack. But Merlin didn’t really care about that. He was flexible enough to do yoga and didn’t want to lose that. Then again, what had it brought him? Once again, he was alone.

He didn’t move when there was a knock at his door.

“Merlin, I made some soup.”

Merlin smiled sadly. Gwen was always so caring and nice but he couldn’t bear people being nice to him at the moment. They only pitied him.

“You need to eat.” She opened the door a fraction and peeked in. “And you need to let some fresh air in.” Without him inviting her in, she entered, set the tray with the steaming soup on his desk and opened the window. “Come on, some soup won’t hurt.”

“I’m not one of your patients,” Merlin sniffled.

“Maybe that would be the solution. Put you into a hospital bed where people make sure that you take care of yourself.” She leaned against the drawer dresser and looked at him, concern written all over her face.

“I can take care of myself, thank you.” Why didn’t she just go away?

“Merlin, listen. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out with Leon. But you can’t just lie around in bed all day, doing nothing but staring at the ceiling. It won’t make the pain go away.”

“There is nothing else to do.” Merlin didn’t feel like moving at all, even breathing seemed to be too much work.

“Eat the soup. The less you do, the less energy you have for anything. And you have to go back to work on Monday.”

“I’ll call in sick.”

“No, you won’t.” Gwen got that stern look on her face that usually made Merlin chuckle. “Eat the soup, get up, take a shower, and you’ll feel better in no time.” She left and Merlin blinked at the window. It was way too bright and Gwen had left it open, so cold air came in.

Merlin sighed, but finally got up to close the window. On his way back to the bed, his gaze fell on the tray with the soup. It still smelled delicious, a few spoons wouldn’t hurt, would they? He could still curl up under the blankets later.

+++

Gwen had been right, after a shower he had felt a bit more human again and after taking the tray with the empty plate back to the kitchen, he brought his laptop over, too.

Their kitchen had a nice view of the garden and even though Merlin didn’t feel like doing anything, he gazed over the screen and watched the squirrels in the trees chasing each other. At least they had each other.

Out of sheer boredom, Merlin opened the websites he usually frequented. Dating websites. What good did they do? Then again…if you fall off your horse, get back on again they said, right? So maybe the best thing was to look for another date? Maybe he should be approaching this like most other blokes who didn’t take it seriously and just look for a good fuck? That wasn’t him, he knew, but maybe it was the way out of this?

Aimlessly, he checked messages, answering some, ignoring others before he clicked the ‘join chat’ button.

A few hours later, he was still sitting there when Lance came back from the early shift.

“Tough shift?” Merlin didn’t take his eyes off the screen as he heard Lance entering the kitchen.

After a while those blokes all looked the same, so he had declined the requests for video chat and had zoned on the main chat for at least an hour now.

“Not worse than usual.” Lance stretched. “Anything edible in the fridge?” He opened the refrigerator and looked at the contents before he decided on making a sandwich. “Have you eaten all day?”

“The soup that Gwen made.”

Now Lance started his ‘we need to take care of the patient-thing’, too. Merlin took a deep breath. “That was at least 15 hours ago, Merlin. Don’t tell me you sat there all this time, staring at a computer screen!” Lance, butter knife still in hand, turned and stared at him.

Merlin shrugged. “There’s nothing else to do.”

“And…going out, taking a walk or go jogging wasn’t an option? Cleaning the bathroom or getting some groceries wasn’t either? You had to go right back to those horrible dating websites?”

Merlin didn’t say anything. What was there to say? He knew Lance was right, he should have left the place to do something useful, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that.

“Merlin,” Lance pulled up a chair and sat down, “do you really think that going right back to dating is a good idea? You liked Leon, you liked him well enough to go through all this waiting and enough to at least think about spending a longer part of your life with him. No matter if he was just like a comfy slipper that you can wear after a hard day of work and not really the fireworks you wanted, you’re sore that it’s over.”

Looking at his keyboard, Merlin just sighed.

“He might not have been the love of your life, but you two broke up and breaking up isn’t easy. Take time to heal before you plunge into dating again. You need some time to find yourself again, the confident Merlin we all know.”

Merlin snorted. “Confident…acting confident might be the better expression.”

“At the moment you might be acting, right.” Lance nodded and finally took a bite of his sandwich. “But you are confident, there are so many great things about you. Just believe in yourself, no matter how difficult it might seem at the moment.”

Shaking his head, Merlin got up. “You know nothing. You have Gwen and live in your happy little hospital bubble. You have no idea how difficult it is out there in the real world. Especially for a gay guy who doesn’t just want some quick fun and satisfaction. So don’t you tell me what to do!” He slammed the lid of his laptop shut, grabbed it, and rushed to his room, slamming the door shut behind him. Why did everyone think they had to analyze him? He felt bad and had every right to do so, why didn’t they just leave him alone? He didn’t want to think about the situation as analytically as they did. He knew he was just a failure, there was nothing good about him.

+++

“Okay, Merlin, that’s enough moping. Get off your arse and do something.” Freya looked sternly at him.

“She’s right,” Percy added, “For weeks you just sit about and do nothing but stare at your computer screen. Get out into the real world again. Let’s go to the pub.”

Merlin sighed. He knew they were right. His break-up with Leon was almost longer ago than they had been together, but he was still deep in his world of self-pity and believing that there was nobody out there for him and that he didn’t deserve to be with someone anyway.

“There’s this new co-worker, you know, I think you should meet him.” Freya beamed.

“No!”

“Come on, it can’t hurt!”

“No, Freya, you’re not dragging me somewhere to meet a co-worker of yours. It’s awkward and doesn’t make me feel better at all if you are all there to watch how it doesn’t work out.” Merlin frowned.

“Alright,” Percy grinned. “Then we won’t be there.”

Freya nodded at Percy before she turned back to Merlin. “You’ll meet him tomorrow night at the Knight’s Gate.”

Merlin got up. “I’m not going! And since when have you two teamed up against me? What’s there that I’ve missed?” He looked from one to the other. Why did they always think they had to ‘help’?

“Nothing, we just think you should go on that date.”

“I won’t go! And that’s final!”

+++

Of course he went anyway. Freya’s co-worker was okay, but nobody Merlin really needed to spend time with. There were awkward silences in their conversation and the bloke was really picky when it came to food, so watching him order was almost like having a tooth pulled. Merlin wondered if the man was like that in everything and shuddered. And then the guy started to talk about his oh-so-interesting hobbies and Merlin didn’t have to say anything for the next hour. He let the man’s babble wash over him, what was there to say about collecting stamps – who on earth still collected stamps these days? – and gardening? It only showed what a failure he was that he ended up on a blind date like this. He would so get back to Freya for this. How dare she set him up with such a boring guy? Why on earth did she think they would match? But…maybe he was just as boring for someone else? Maybe they would match. As the perfect Mr. and Mr. Boring? Merlin finished his beer.

“Sorry, mate, I just remembered that I have to prepare something for a project that is due tomorrow. Completely forgotten about it…” He tossed some money onto the table for his share of the bill and left.

The weeks went on and Merlin met more co-workers, friends of friends, and distant cousins. Yes, he’d definitely wanted too much before. He knew he would never end up with one of the lookers, the clever and witty ones, but meeting all these men showed him what he was really in for. The left-overs. And he was one of them. Left-over at a buffet where the best parts had been picked out long ago, old and stale. He’d rather not meet anyone than have to deal with those who were just a mirror image of himself.

When he told Freya that he was about to give up for good, she insisted he’d go on one last date. How was he supposed to know if that person wasn’t the one if he didn’t even go? So she managed to talk him into it and he had shown up at the restaurant on time.

To his surprise, Gerald was there already, got up as he approached and pulled out a chair for him. Merlin liked that, it was a good start. He was a grown-up and could deal with chairs and such himself, but it was nice when someone else did it once in a while.

Gerald wasn’t as tall as Merlin liked, but he knew he couldn’t be picky and the man was nice and not bad-looking, could hold a decent conversation and helped Merlin choose his meal since most of the things on the menu were in French and Merlin’s French was rather rusty.

Just as Merlin relaxed and started to think that this date wasn’t a total waste of time, he felt Gerald’s stare. “What?” Had he done something wrong? Had he used the wrong fork or something in the wrong order? Merlin wasn’t used to restaurants as fancy as this one, it could happen. But why did he deserve a look like that?

“I’m sorry, but…”

Okay, here it came. It’s me, not you, we don’t click, can we end this here. Merlin took a deep breath. “Yes?”

“I’ve tried not to, but you are so hot.”

Merlin looked around. Was the man talking about him?

“You arouse me so much, I’ve just filled my nappy.” Gerald looked at him with an adoring smile.

Blinking, Merlin tried to make sense of what Gerald had said. “You…”

Gerald nodded. “Yes. I’m wearing nappies. It’s a total turn-on. And then you come along with all your long limbs and big blue eyes and that wonderful smile of yours and…I was hard the moment you entered the place. And then you turn out to be all funny and intelligent and that made me so hot and I couldn’t hold back any longer.”

“Nappies…” Merlin stared.

“Yes, doesn’t everybody have their little fetish? You seem to be an open-minded person. Maybe you want to try it, too?”

Still staring at Gerald, Merlin didn’t even notice that dessert was being served. Had the man just told him that he was so aroused that he shat his pants? Whatever Gerald said now, Merlin didn’t hear it. He didn’t even know if he should be appalled or disgusted, the situation was too ridiculous. Would someone jump up to the table now and tell him he was on Candid Camera? But nobody showed up.

“…so, what do you say?”

“I’m…I’m sorry.” Merlin took his napkin and put it on the table. “This isn’t my world. Do you really think this is a good way to handle this? Having a blind date and then just saying something like that? Couldn’t you have given me a warning?”

“Then you wouldn’t have agreed on a date.”

“Maybe you should look for dates on specific websites. There must be something like that and I don’t even want to know!” Merlin got up and walked out of the restaurant without even a goodbye. He needed some fresh air.

“Can you believe it!” Merlin still ranted and Freya, who sat on his desk, dangling her feet, listened. “He seems to be a nice person and then that!”

“He probably is a very nice person,” Freya tried to intervene.

Merlin paced his room and spun around. “But telling me something like that? Between the main course and dessert, just like that? As if it was a normal piece of conversation?”

“That was probably not the most clever thing to do. But he probably really wanted to meet you and wasn’t sure if you would like his fetish or not….”

“What’s the use of meeting, then? He could have said so when we chatted. I would have said ‘no thanks’ and none of us had to go through this awkward situation!” Merlin still couldn’t believe it.

“I’m not saying I like how he handled it, but…”

Merlin spun around again and stared at her. “Now you want me to be sorry for him?”

“Not exactly sorry. But…maybe a bit more understanding? It can’t be easy for him with a fetish like that.” Freya stopped dangling her feet.

“And who’s understanding my situation? All I want is to meet a decent bloke I can talk to and have fun with“. Merlin slumped down onto his chair. “And all I ever get are the freaks.”

“I’ll tell Percy you said that,” she smirked.

“Not Percy.”

“Leon?”

“Not Leon either.”

“See? Not all of them are freaks.”

“I’m done, Freya,” Merlin let out a deep sigh. “I’ll just quit.”

“You can’t quit.”

“I will. I’m done and over with this. I’ll rather stay alone for the rest of my life than having to put up with one more freak or boredom-master.”

Freya slid off of the desk and came over to hug Merlin. Pressing a kiss into his hair, she pulled him closer.

Later that night, Merlin deactivated his online dating profiles.

+++

“So, what’s new?” Percy handed Merlin a beer and sat down next to him on the couch, stretching his long legs under the coffee table that was cluttered with work-out and muscle magazines.

Merlin took a sip. “Nothing at all. Everything’s boring in the world of Merlin Emrys, as usual.”

“No more dates after Mr. Shit?” Percy grinned.

“Stop calling him that, it still makes my skin crawl. But no, no more dates after that disaster and no more dates from now on.” Merlin frowned and tried to look determined.

“Aw, come here,” Percy reached over and pulled Merlin close. “Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean you can’t go on dates. Maybe just…”

Leaning against his friend’s shoulder, Merlin sighed. “Nope, no more dates. I’m done. Finished. Never again.”

“Don’t say stuff like that. Look at me, am I giving up? I’ve had my fair share of disaster dates and I still think Mr. Right is somewhere out there.”

“For you, yes. For me, no.” Merlin wanted to sound determined and hated how whiny it came out instead.

“There’s a lid for every pot, as my grandmother used to say.” Percy sipped his beer and looked at the TV where they had an action movie on mute.

“I seem to be a pan, then.” Merlin was so sick of it all. He’d searched and searched and found a few nice men along the way, but none of them seemed to fit.

“There’s pans with lids now, you know.” Percy teased.

“I’m a square one.” Merlin pouted and only half of it was a mock-pout.

Pressing a kiss on Merlin’s hair, Percy stroked his back. “Maybe we’ll just have to stop looking. Forget all the ‘seek and you will find’ crap. Isn’t it like that when you look for your car keys? You look everywhere, in all the places they could possibly be, and the moment you stop looking and decide you’ll just take the tube or a taxi, there they are. Your car keys. Smiling at you.”

“You know I don’t even own a car,” Merlin sighed.

“Still. Stop searching for the keys too hard and you will find them.” Percy insisted.

Merlin made a noncommittal sound.

“Hey, why don’t you come over to footie practice once in a while?”

“Huh?”

Percy shrugged. “There are a lot of blokes on the team who are single, maybe…”

“No!” Shaking his head, Merlin sipped from his beer again.

“Come on, they’re not so bad.”

The first person who came to Merlin’s mind was the blond. No, he wasn’t bad, not bad at all, but he was way out of his league. “It would feel strange.”

“Because of Leon? Yeah, probably. But I thought you’re still friends?”

Merlin nodded. “Yes, we managed and it’s rather nice to have someone to go see shows with or just for a walk in the park. Abi was really happy to see me the other day.”

“See? Maybe there’s someone else you might like?”

“I’m not a groupie. And hadn’t we just decided to let things run their natural course? To stop actively searching?”

The doorbell rang and Percy got up. “Dinner’s here.”

Missing Percy’s warmth already, Merlin sighed. Sometimes, Percy explained his world in the most simple of words and sometimes, he was even right. Maybe he should just stop looking altogether. Going to see the footie team was a bad idea; that much was clear.

Percy came back with the pizza they’d ordered and finally turning their attention to the TV screen, they munched pizza and mozzarella sticks and onion rings and drank beer until both of them felt like rolling was easier than walking and Merlin crashed on Percy’s couch.

+++

It had been half a year since Merlin had actively stopped looking for a boyfriend. In the beginning, his fingers itched to check the inboxes of his dating profiles but since he’d deleted them, he had nothing left to do. After a while he filled the spare time with all the things other blokes did. He met up with friends, went to the movies, saw some shows, and did his daily work-out routine of running either at the Thames or in the park. Freya thought he was crazy and that he could never go through a whole week without trying to get a date and in the first week, she was almost right. But the longer Merlin didn’t check any websites or threw looks at all the guys around him, the calmer he became and after a few months, it didn’t seem so important anymore. There were thousands of singles who lived their lives - happy without a partner and if they managed, so would he.

Freya was over, once again trying to convince him to go to one of the weird parties she liked to attend.

“No.”

“Why not, honeylips? You’ve always had fun.” She checked her looks in the mirror at the door of the closet, plucked at some of the curls that purposefully weren’t part of the creation on her head and seemed to be content.

“Not at all of them!”

“Like that one time, where the ginger drummer threw you his drumsticks?” Freya winked as Merlin groaned.

“I remember he hit me on the temple with them. I had a bruise for a week!” Shaking his head, Merlin turned back to the book he pretended to read.

“And that other time, where the Sangria was so good, remember?”

“I prefer not to remember that.” But Merlin had to laugh, too. He only had a fuzzy memory of the sweet liquid and if he recalled it correctly, there was licking it off some guy’s sixpack involved.

Freya giggled and almost bounced onto his bed. “It wasn’t that bad!”

“As if _you_ would remember it!” Merlin turned in his chair to reach for his nasal spray when he heard an email drop into his inbox.

“What is it?”

“An email, Freya, even you should know that sound.” Freya’s computer was in a constant state of either being broken or getting repaired or having issues and Merlin more often than not had to trouble shoot it. For someone as clever as her, it was a miracle how much she turned into a simpleton when it came to computers.

“Who’s it from?” Freya scooted to the edge of the bed and tried to look at Merlin’s screen.

“One of the dating websites.” Merlin frowned.

“Merlin! I thought you’d deleted them all! There you are, pretending to be all innocent and not surfing the web for Mr. Right anymore while behind my back you are on the prowl again!” She poked his side and then leaned against his shoulder. “What does it say?”

“I must have missed one.” Checking the sender, Merlin shrugged. “There were so many, I think I lost track.”

“Come on, open it, what does it say?”

“I should delete it.” Merlin’s finger hovered over the mouse.

“No, you shouldn’t. At least let me read it before you do!”

Reluctantly, Merlin opened the message. “Hi! I like what you said about yourself in your profile. Want to meet up?”

“Wow, straight forward.”

Merlin huffed out a chuckle. “This is actually rather polite compared to some messages I’ve gotten over the years.”

“PrinceofEverything,” Freya read. “Sounds pretty stuck up. Does he have a photo? Let me see his photo!” She scooted even closer.

“We can look at his profile. But this is the platform where you don’t see the other’s photo before you’ve exchanged a certain number of messages.”

“What’s that good for?” She threw him an irritated look.

Merlin shrugged. “The thought behind it is that you shouldn’t just judge from looks alone, I guess. After a few messages, you already sorted those out who are idiots to begin with so if you are getting along and think the person is worth the messages, the photos unblur,” he pointed to the place where a pixelated photo was on the bloke’s profile page, “and you can see who you’re talking to.”

“Strangely, that makes sense.” Freya was already busy reading PrinceofEverything’s profile. “Early thirties, fit, sporty, professional – at least he seems to have a job – hobbies: horseback riding, footie…eww, Merlin, he’s one of those guys.”

Merlin had read along with Freya and chuckled at the obvious dismay in her voice. “Those guys?”

“I can picture him. Tall…”

“Not as tall as me if what he writes is correct.” After all his encounters, he knew that most blokes lied about stuff like that.

“As said, tall, probably blond, toothpaste commercial smile, in a cheap suit and when it comes to footie, he’ll turn into a redneck, wife beater, drinking beer and shouting insults at the TV.” She nodded, all content with the image she just painted.

“You can’t know. Percy and Leon like footie, too, and none of them turns into a redneck while they are watching a game.”

“Okay, so you’re interested.”

Merlin sucked in a breath in a very annoyed way. “I’m not. You were the one who insisted we’d look at his profile. And look, he likes the movies and plays and going to concerts.”

“That’s rather vague, but okay.” She moved away a bit and pulled her feet underneath her. “You should ask him.”

“What?”

“What kind of movies he likes and what kind of plays he goes to and about the music he listens to, that’s very important.”

Merlin threw her a look. “I’m not going to write back. Even though it’s one of the more polite messages, it doesn’t mean a thing. He probably checks out all the profiles that are shown for his area and writes the same text to everybody in hope for a date.”

“So what?” Freya threw the same kind of look back and tilted her head at him just as he did at her. “Isn’t that what you did, too?”

“No!” Merlin chewed on his lower lip. “Not really. I only picked out those that sounded interesting.”

“And that’s what he’s done, too. You’re interesting enough to be contacted, so…” She nodded as if they’d agreed on him writing back.

“Yes, and look where I am now.”

She beamed at him. “You’re in your bedroom with the most beautiful woman you know and you have the best friends ever and you found most of them online.”

Leaning over, Merlin put a wet smooch on the tip of Freya’s nose. “Too bad I wouldn’t know what to do with a beautiful woman in my bed and I also have a few friends who I’ve found in real life.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and touched foreheads with him. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Everything that happens, happens for a reason. I’m sure the universe didn’t want you to delete this profile, so you forgot. Write him, just a message or two. If he turns out to be an idiot, forget I ever said anything.”

Merlin pulled her close as he laughed, but even hours after she had left, he still sat in his chair, staring at the message. What if she was right and something or someone wanted him to reply?

+++

It had taken Merlin a few days to gather up the courage to reply to the message. What did he have to lose? The worst that could happen was probably another confirmation that he was a loser and not worth it. Maybe he got some hot sex out of it and that was all. But maybe, just maybe, the universe had listened and PrinceofEverything was the right one. Merlin smiled as he hit sent and the door to his bedroom flew open. “Freya!”

“Here, I brought you something!” She held out a little package, not even greeting him properly. “Lance let me in,” she said as she kissed his cheeks. “Oh, you’ve finally sent a message to Mr. Probably-Right? I’m proud of you.”

Reaching for the lid of his laptop, Merlin frowned. There was nothing he could keep from Freya, she was so nosy that she discovered everything right away. “What did you bring me?”

Sitting on the corner of his bed, toeing her shoes off, she snatched the package back from him. “Butterfly plasters!”

Blinking, Merlin looked at her. He wanted to feel the butterflies, yes, but butterfly plasters wouldn’t do the trick. He wasn’t 12 anymore.

“What?” Freya fumbled one of them out of the box and held it up. “Butterfly plasters! You put them over your nose like this.” She demonstrated with the still-wrapped plaster. “It kind of pulls your nose apart and helps you breathe easier and you won’t need nasal spray anymore. Or at least not as much. They are shaped like butterflies, see?”

Merlin took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. “Sorry to disappoint you, I’ve tried those before.”

Freya’s hand sank and her shoulders slumped. “They didn’t work?”

“A bit.”

“And you vain git stopped using them because they look stupid!” She sparkled at him.

“No.” He shook his head. “The plaster glue gave me a fetching rash right on my face, that’s why I stopped using them.”

Freya dropped back onto his bed. “I’ve forgotten about your allergic reaction to plasters. Sorry.”

Merlin pulled a face. “I’m sorry that I’m allergic to everything and everyone…it doesn’t make life easy.”

Scrambling up, she leaned over and hugged him. “Not your fault. It was an idea, would have saved you lots of money for nasal spray.”

Hugging back, Merlin laughed. “You know how much they are. Put the cost for anti-rash cream on top of it and there you are, no savings at all.”

“Sorry, Sniffy.”

Merlin laughed. “Stop calling me Sniffy! It sounds as if I’m some kind of old beagle or something!”

She peeked over his shoulder. “What did you write PrinceofEverything?” Letting go, Merlin chuckled and once again wasn’t sure if he loved or hated Freya for her ability to jump from one topic to the next and back without warning.

+++

Merlin checked his reflection in the window of the café for the 100th time since he entered. After a few messages, Prince saw his photo and agreed on meeting him, no, he had suggested a meeting, and that man was just a god. He’d spent hours to decide on what to wear and was rather happy when Percy suggested the new blue shirt and the black jeans. Merlin knew he looked his best but would that be enough for someone like Prince? He knew he shouldn’t be nervous, he’d done this a thousand times before. Still, he couldn’t keep the strange flutter of his stomach at bay. He had been totally shocked when their photos finally unblured and PrinceofEverything looked a lot like the blond bloke from Percy’s and Leon’s footie team. The man he’d dreamt of, the guy he wanked over night after night, how was Merlin not supposed to be nervous? Merlin quickly used his nasal spray again; he didn’t want to have to do that while the other man was here. He probably wouldn’t even show. Of course he’d said everything was fine when their photos finally showed but that doesn’t mean he would really come to their meeting.

Running his hand through his hair, Merlin checked his mobile again. He’d at least send a message if he couldn’t make it, wouldn’t he? From the corner of his eyes, Merlin noticed someone coming in, but he was busy waiting to be told off via message and didn’t really pay attention. Hmmm, no message, but damn, Prince was late. The next few minutes dragged along and Merlin started to believe that he once again was being stood up. Of course. Someone like Prince would never want to meet someone like him. The old feeling of sadness and anger washed through Merlin. He was just not worth it. People liked him fine as long as it was just writing messages but as soon as they saw him, they lost interest. He pondered sending Prince a message to forget it when the person came back in. Merlin looked up. Oh Gods! It really was him, the blond from the footie team, and he looked just as gorgeous as Merlin remembered him. Prince looked around again, a little frown on his face and checked his watch, so Merlin smiled shyly and gave a little wave and the man approached his table.

“You? It’s you???”

Merlin’s heart sank. Prince had seen his photo, so why was he so surprised now that it was him? “Yes? I think so?”

“Damn, you’re gorgeous!”

Merlin blinked as the man took his coat off and sat down, looking around for a waitress, ordering a coffee when she approached. “Would you like anything else?” He beamed at Merlin.

“I’m fine, thanks.” Merlin pointed to his tea, still trying to make sense of Prince’s initial reaction. Was the blond having him on? The look in his eyes was a bit unsettling.

The waitress brought the coffee and Prince thanked her before he turned back to Merlin. “I…,” he laughed, “I was in here before. Five minutes ago. I saw you sitting there, checking your mobile and thought ‘That’s not the man from the photo, he’s way too good-looking!’”

Merlin frowned, this must be a joke.

“So I went outside again and thought I’d wait for you to arrive. When you didn’t I decided to check inside again. And here you are.”

Sipping his tea, Merlin didn’t know what to make of this. “You really mean it?”

“Yes, I really mean it. You should change your profile pic. It doesn’t do you justice.”

Merlin blushed slightly and tried to hide behind his tea cup. “I’ll see to that. I’m Merlin,” he offered his name. The blond wasn’t only very good-looking, he was good at complimenting, too.

“Arthur.” The blond held out his hand and Merlin automatically reached for it. It was a nice hand with a firm, warm grip; just the right size and Merlin didn’t even notice that he held on a moment too long but Pri…Arthur didn’t let go either. “And somehow I think I’ve seen you before.”

Merlin didn’t even need to think about that. Yet, he pretended to ponder. “Aren’t you on Percy’s footie team?”

“Yes! Oh, now I know! You’re the hottie Leon brought that one time! Now I remember! So, are you and Leon an item?”

“We tried.”

Arthur looked expectantly at him.

“Didn’t work out.” Merlin shrugged.

“Good.” Arthur smiled.

“Good?” Merlin knew it was too early, but that smile made the hoard of butterflies in his stomach fly up.

Arthur nodded. “Leon’s a decent bloke. I wouldn’t want anyone to cheat on him.”

“We’re just friends now.”

“And Percy?”

“Another friend.” Merlin smiled.

“How did you meet the guys?”

Merlin laughed. “Just like I met you.”

“They use dating websites?” Arthur grinned. “Percy, okay, even though I never thought he’d need electronic help to pull. But Leon? He’s always so…so…”

Smiling, Merlin nodded. “I know what you mean.”

It didn’t take long and they were engaged in a vivid conversation and even though Arthur talked about footie a lot, Merlin noticed, he didn’t mind. He just watched him talk and was mesmerized by the intense blue eyes and the way Arthur’s lips moved. And that full-belly laugh Arthur did, with his head thrown back, laughing all carelessly was a sight to see.

They ordered some snacks and still hadn’t run out of topics hours later. Finally, it was time to leave. Merlin shrugged into his jacket while Arthur put his coat on. His heart was beating faster. Arthur was not only one of the hottest men he’d met in ages, he was intelligent and could hold a conversation.

As soon as they were out of the café and around the corner, Arthur pulled Merlin close and kissed him, thereby interrupting every thought Merlin was thinking. He knew he should be surprised, but he was floating. If he were honest, that was what he had hoped for since Arthur entered the place. And it felt even better than he had ever imagined.

“Sorry,” Arthur whispered when he pulled back a bit.

“’S okay,” was all Merlin got out. He really needed to catch his breath.

“I’ve wanted to do this since I saw you sitting there, when I still thought I was waiting for someone else.”

Merlin smiled. He liked how Arthur hadn’t moved away and was still holding on to his arm.

“So you got what you wanted.” His smile turned into a light smirk.

“Not really.” Arthur looked at him and Merlin thought he would melt any moment.

“What…what is it you want?”

“You. I want you.”

Merlin swallowed hard. While they still had been inside, he’d had a hard time not to touch Arthur all the time. He knew he wanted him, too. He’d wanted him since the first time he had seen him on the footie field. But he usually didn’t just go home with someone on a first date. He wanted long-term commitment, not just a simple fuck. But Arthur was so hot and his whole body cried out for him, just the way Arthur looked at him made him half-hard. It had been a while since he never got anywhere with Leon and it had been months since they’d broken up and a man had needs, right?

“Your place.”

+++

Merlin didn’t remember how they got to Arthur’s place, he didn’t spare a single glance at the interior in his hurry to get to the bedroom.

They tugged at each others’ clothes, with their lips hungrily connected and as soon as skin was revealed, the other kissed and nibbled there and Merlin couldn’t get Arthur out of his jeans fast enough.

When they tumbled onto the bed, Arthur looked at Merlin and with a sound that resembled a predatory growl, he kissed him again as he reached for Merlin’s cock.

Running his hands over Arthur’s soft warm skin, Merlin felt the muscles move underneath and sighed. His body arched off the bed when Arthur’s fingers touched him. It had been too long and Arthur was so perfect, he wanted him. “Come on!”

“Turn around.”

Merlin would rather have seen Arthur’s face but that didn’t matter too much now, so he scrambled around and didn’t object when Arthur pulled him to his knees. He heard Arthur fumbling for something in the drawer of the nightstand and hissed when he felt Arthur’s fingers on his arse.

“You okay?”

Nodding quickly, Merlin wiggled his arse. He needed Arthur and he needed him now. But Arthur obviously had something else in mind. He massaged around Merlin’s arse with lubed up fingers and stroked him with the other hand and it drove Merlin crazy. All he wanted was a good hard fuck now, they could play around later, but it still was heaven. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the feel of Arthur’s hands on him and sucked in a sharp breath when he felt a finger breach him. “More!”

Arthur took his time playing with him and each time Merlin thought he figured out what Arthur would do next, he surprised him with a little kiss here and a nibble there or just let the tip of his tongue tickle his skin, evilly blowing across the wet trail he left.

Merlin shoved back against the fingers, making noises he didn’t even think were possible and tried to urge Arthur on any way he could.

“You’re one eager little puppy.”

Clenching around the fingers up his arse, Merlin groaned. “Come on. Fuck me already!”

Arthur laughed but pulled his fingers out, immediately leaving Merlin feeling empty.

Merlin heard a condom wrapper being opened and wanted to roll the thing over Arthur’s cock, he wanted to touch, but Arthur was faster and put him into position again.

“Ready?”

Nodding, Merlin took a deep breath and braced himself against the mattress. It had been a while, he expected it to sting even though Arthur had prepared him so well and he really wanted it. So he was very surprised when Arthur slid in carefully, panting into his neck when he was fully in. “Fuck.”

“Yeah…fuck…do it…” Merlin keened when Arthur pulled back only to slam in a bit more forcefully. He didn’t want him to pull out completely, they fit too perfectly. He moved with Arthur, against him and the sounds of their flesh slamming together turned him on even more. His dick, that had lost quite a bit of his rigidity when Arthur had claimed him, was fully hard again and slapped against his belly. He tried to spread his legs a bit wider, but Arthur wouldn’t have it and pulled him back into place. The little change in position helped and Arthur’s cock hit Merlin’s spot with every stroke in and Merlin knew he wouldn’t last long; this was just too good, too urgent. He tried to blink the sweat that rolled down his forehead out of his eyes and didn’t object when Arthur put a hand between his shoulder blades and pushed him down onto his elbows.

Hanging his head as he was gasping for air, he pushed his arse back again and again, not minding that Arthur’s hands on his hips gripped him so tight that they sure would leave marks. He would love every single one of them. “Arth….Ar….” Merlin panted out, giving Arthur all the warning he could get out as his body started to tense up.

“Yes! Come! Come for me!” Arthur ordered and slammed harder into him.

Merlin didn’t want to let go of Arthur and tightened around him, feeling him even more intensely as he shot his load and felt Arthur following him after a few more strokes.

He slumped forward, his elbows and shoulders no longer willing to support him and he made a disappointed little sound when Arthur pulled out. He always liked when a bloke stayed in him for a little longer, so he could feel him go soft, too bad.

He didn’t know what to say, but he couldn’t have said it anyway since he was too busy trying to get his breath back. Wow. What a great fuck! It definitely hadn’t been a mistake to go with Arthur on the first date.When Arthur rolled onto his back, Merlin did the same and stared at the ceiling. He so could get used to this.

A while later, Merlin scratched at his chest as he sat up and stretched. Damn, it had been a while since he last let anyone top and he felt it, so he carefully scooted to the edge of the mattress.

“Where are you going?”

“Loo?”

Arthur closed his eyes again. “To the right, second door to the left.”

As Merlin came back from the loo, he reached for his jeans and fumbled in the pocket for his nasal spray. He sat down on the edge of the bed and was about to inhale, when Arthur’s hand wrapped around his wrist.

“What’s that? Are you doing drugs?”

Merlin sighed and he let his head hang. “It’s nasal spray and if you want to call it that, yes, it’s a drug.”

“What does it do?” Arthur had scrambled up and looked at him.

“It helps me to breathe more easily.”

“It’s not an enhancer for…I don’t know…sensations or something?” Arthur frowned.

Merlin shook his head. “No. It just does what I said. Due to some allergies, my nose got too used to this, so I have to use it all year round,” he sighed. If only he got rid of all that. It was not the first time someone thought he was doing hard drugs this way. “I wish I didn’t need it.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Merlin looked around when he felt Arthur’s lips on his shoulder.

“Yes, okay. I need you to be fit.”

Was it really okay with Arthur that he was addicted to this stupid stuff? “Fit? For what?”

Arthur grinned. “Round two.”

+++

“Someone’s in a good mood.” Lance yawned and scratched his chest as he entered the kitchen.

“Life is too short to sit around and mope.” Merlin moved over, so Lance could peek at what he was shoving about in the pan. “Eat with me? There’s enough for both of us.”

“I just woke up, I can’t have whatever that might be.”

“It’s the Chinese from last night.” Merlin put a few spices in and hummed.

“Okay, are you going to tell me or do I need to sick Gwen on you?” Lance switched on the coffee maker and shoved some toast into the toaster.

Merlin piled the hot rice onto a plate and switched off the oven. “I just told you it’s the Chinese from last night.”

“Are you sure you still want to eat that? You weren’t home all night, so that must be from two nights ago.” Lance slurped his coffee, not really awake yet, even though it was 4 in the afternoon, which was early morning for him since he was on the night shift at the moment.

“It was in the fridge! It can’t be bad. It even smells good.” Merlin sat down and started to eat.

“Where were you, Merlin?” Lance glared. “Did it occur to you that I might worry when you’re not here?”

“Oh, sorry that I do have a life once in a while.” Merlin hadn’t spared a single thought about that. It was nice that Lance cared, but then again, Lance wasn’t his mother, he didn’t need to tell him everything.

“Usually you tell me about it or at least leave a message that you won’t be home.” Lance wiped a few crumbs off the table with his hand before he looked at Merlin.

Merlin tried to pout but then a wide smile split his face. “I’ve met someone.”

“Sounds serious.”

“Well, we just met. But he’s…he’s fantastic. Lance, I think he might be the one.” Merlin bounced in his chair and grinned when he still felt what Arthur had done with him.

Lance, who had gotten up to get his toast, turned. “You said you’ve only just met. How can you know?”

“Don’t be a spoilsport!”

“I’m not. It’s just…you’ve only just met. You had a good time, which is great, but how can you know he’s the one?”

Merlin shoveled more of the rice dish, which was surprisingly good for left-overs that had been in the fridge for two days, into his mouth. “When did you know when you met Gwen?”

Lance got that dreamy look on his face that he always got when someone asked about Gwen. “Right away!”

“See?” Merlin grinned triumphantly and got up to put his empty plate into the sink.

+++

“Merlin,” Percy took a deep breath and exchanged a look with Leon, easily looking over Freya’s head as they stood in their favourite pub.

Merlin’s eyes were shining and he looked around. “You said he comes here once in a while, didn’t you?”

“Merlin, listen to Percy.” Leon took a sip of his beer and ignored the look Percy threw him.

“Why? What is it?” Merlin turned around again, smiled at his friends, but then reached for his mobile to check.

“I don’t know how to say this, but…”

“When’s the next practice? I could go there and watch you guys practice. Or to a game, so I can cheer him on?”

Percy put his hand on Merlin’s shoulder. “Merlin, Arthur doesn’t do ‘boyfriend’.”

That got him Merlin’s attention. “Wha…? Why would you say something like that? We got along so well and…he will call, he said so.” Merlin’s face turned stubborn.

“That was how long ago?” Freya looked at him with big sad eyes.

“Three days, but he might be busy.”

“Merlin…” Percy squeezed his shoulder and Leon slightly shook his head. “I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but…Arthur is a player. He meets lots of blokes, but only once. He has his fun and then drops them. I’m sorry,” he repeated, “but…you better forget about him.”

Merlin felt like being punched in the stomach as he stared up at Percy. “That can’t be true! We’ve spent the whole day together and talked a lot and…”

“That’s his thing. He makes people feel important and then turns around to the next one. We’ve watched it often enough.”

Merlin swallowed against the tears welling up. It couldn’t be! Arthur was great! He was gorgeous, intelligent, funny, fucked like a porn star and was very gentle, too. “But…”

“I’m so sorry, Merlin.” Leon reached over and pulled Merlin close. “So sorry. We should have warned you.”

For a moment, Merlin enjoyed the closeness. Leon smelled warm and comforting and…like Leon. But…he pulled back. “It can’t be true…,” he whispered. Looking from one of his friends to the other, he knew they meant it. Why would they tell him something horrible like that? Why would they lie to him? It made no sense, none of them ever wanted to do him any harm, so it must be right. But it just couldn’t! Arthur wasn’t like that, right? Right?

“I have to be alone.” Jerking back out of Leon’s embrace and grabbing his jacket, he ran out of the pub.

+++

“You can’t stay in your room forever.” Freya pushed the door to Merlin’s room open with so much force it banged into the wall. “Get up, let me do your hair…here, I brought eyeliner…and we’ll go find you someone.”

Merlin sat on his bed and hugged his knees even tighter. “I’m not going anywhere.” He threw Freya a look that he hoped would chase her away. “And put that evil eyeliner away.” His eyes followed her as Freya tossed the eyeliner on Merlin’s desk and went to his closet as if he hadn’t said anything at all. “What are you doing?”

“Finding a good outfit that shows off your assets.” Her head vanished in the closet as she went through his things.

“I am wearing clothes.” Merlin plucked at a thread where his jeans had given way at his knees.

Freya groaned. “I will not take you along like that. Come on, Merlin, take a shower, shave and let me do your hair. We’ll find you someone tonight!”

“I don’t want anyone.” Merlin swallowed hard.

Sighing, Freya reemerged from the closet, came over, and sat down next to him. “I know you don’t want anyone but this Arthur bloke. I’m sorry, Merlin,” she threw him a look, “It looks as if he isn’t the boyfriend material you thought he was.”

Things were bad when Freya didn’t find playful new nicknames for him and called him by his real name. Merlin leaned his chin on his knees and sighed.

“Oh no, don’t start that again! It’s not your fault! Arthur is an arse. Ask everyone who ever met him. He is charming and nice and every bloke dreams of introducing him to his mother right away and after they fuck, he walks out. He’s not worthy of you. Now get up, take a shower – you really need one – and let’s go. You can mope just as well at the pub, but you will have a different view, you’ve been holed up in this room for how long now? A week? Get going.” Freya put a smooch on Merlin’s cheek, caught the little bottle of nasal spray that almost rolled over the edge of the mattress and scrambled off the bed to inspect his wardrobe some more.

An hour later, she dragged him into the pub by his wrist. “Look what I found!” She beamed at Percy and Leon and some other blokes of the footie team.

“Merlin!” Percy hugged him a moment longer than usual and then held him by the shoulders. “Wow, something’s different, what is it?”

“Did you get a haircut?” Leon offered as he peeked at Merlin’s face.

A very small smile showed on Merlin’s face as he shook his head. “It’s Freya’s doing.”

“You look damn good.” Percy looked him up and down. “You should wear these jeans more often. Never thought that black is your colour.”

Merlin plucked at the collar of his black shirt. He hadn’t worn the shirt for ages and he never liked the jeans that Freya had made him buy almost as long ago. His hair felt weird on his head after Freya had put tons of product in it and he hoped he wouldn’t smudge the eyeliner. As much as he had struggled, she had insisted on putting it on and he would never tell her that he thought it didn’t look half bad.

He took the beer one of the guys held out to him and just started to relax a bit, when he heard Freya whisper “FUCK!”

Of course Merlin turned into the direction she and the boys were looking with grim faces and that was when he saw him. Arthur looked just as good as he remembered and he had to force his feet not to move into Arthur’s direction. Just then, Arthur smiled at a redhead and it didn’t take long before he wrapped his arm around his shoulder and they left together.

Merlin felt sick. Maybe Arthur hadn’t seen him? Maybe he would have come over to say ‘hi’ and things would have evolved and he would be the one leaving with him? But Arthur must have seen his footie friends, Percy was hard to overlook to begin with and they were in a whole bunch together. Arthur must have known they were there. Maybe he just hadn’t noticed him in his black clothes and his emo hair and eyeliner.

Freya gently slipped her hand through his arm. “Are you okay?”

Blinking against the tears stinging in his eyes, Merlin nodded. He wasn’t okay, he felt like he was going to die; but he couldn’t stand here with tears rolling down his face even though he felt like breaking down and bawling like a teenage girl. It was awkward enough that everyone seemed to know about it and deliberately didn’t look at him. How had he managed to fall for the stupid blond jerk in such a short time? There had to be a way to get rid of this. Merlin lifted his glass and drank the beer down in one go.

+++

Checking his looks in the mirror again, Merlin knew he was being foolish but he just had to try. There was no way that Arthur could pretend to not have seen him if he just showed up for footie practice. He had to say ‘hi’ and maybe they could talk and if Arthur told him off, he could at least get over it and move on.

It had been two weeks since the incident in the pub and more than once, Freya had profoundly apologized for dragging him there. It wasn’t her fault, she couldn’t have known what would happen, Merlin knew, but he couldn’t help feeling betrayed and as if everyone had done it on purpose; as if they tried to show him that he didn’t stand a chance with Arthur.

Trying to stuff his mobile into the front pocket of his jeans, Merlin frowned. Maybe he shouldn’t be wearing the same tight pair of jeans that he had worn that evening, but he wanted to look good. It felt childish, but he needed to show Arthur what he was missing, and maybe that would change his mind. Shrugging into his leather jacket, Merlin reached for his keys and left his room.

“We’ll have the ice cream ready.” Lance smiled sympathetically and then ouch-ed as Gwen stepped on his foot.

“Good luck, Merlin!” She leaned in and put a little kiss on his cheek. “You’re looking really good.”

“Thanks, you two.” Merlin knew they would be gone when he came back, they both had a late shift and with a bit of luck, he wouldn’t need the ice cream. If all went according to plan, he would probably not even come back tonight.

As he neared the footie field, Merlin’s heart started beating wildly. He stopped walking for a moment when he was so close that he could hear the guys yelling at each other. He had to do this, for his own peace of mind, so he took a deep breath and continued on his path, only stopping when he was next to the field where the players had piled their sports bags.

Percy waved when he saw him, smiling, even though he hadn’t been thrilled when he heard of Merlin’s idea to come to the practice. Leon hadn’t been too enthusiastic about it either but had offered to take Merlin home if things went pear-shaped.

Merlin pretended to watch what was going on. He only had a basic understanding of the game, never caring enough to learn the details and he wasn’t interested in the sport anyway. His eyes followed Arthur around the field, admiring the way he was fighting for the ball and how he immediately took control when it was needed, yelling orders to the guys who were on his team. Merlin would be lying if he said he didn’t like the way the muscles in Arthur’s legs worked when he ran and that the sweaty blond hair plastered to his forehead didn’t remind him of what Arthur had looked like after they made love. Fucked, they had fucked. Nothing more, Merlin needed to remind himself over and over.

Practice finished a while later and Percy jogged over. “Hey,” he threw him a look before he rummaged in his sports bag for his water bottle.

“Hi,” Merlin tried to sound as cheery as possible. Arthur shouldn’t know that anything was off, everything was alright. “Good practice.”

Leon, who came over from the other side, laughed. “Hardly. Hi, Merlin.”

He stopped to chat, just as Merlin had asked him to and turned so Merlin could still see what Arthur was doing and Merlin was glad that his friends played along. Merlin’s heart sped up once more when Arthur came over.

“Hi, Arthur.” He bit the tip of his tongue. If he wanted one thing, it was to not sound like a schoolgirl with a crush – just like had sounded. He missed that Percy rolled his eyes behind his back and that Leon threw Percy a stern look.

“Hi.” Arthur picked up his bag without more than glancing at Merlin and made his way to the locker room.

When he was out of sight, Merlin slumped onto the bench. That didn’t quite go as planned. Maybe Arthur had tried to avoid getting cold after all this running around? Maybe he would say more than just ‘hi’ if he just waited long enough?

“Merlin,” Leon sat down next to him and removed his shin guards as he shook his head. “Do you really want to do this to yourself?”

Merlin stared at the sideline in front of his feet. Did he really want this? He wanted Arthur, but it was obvious that Arthur didn’t want him. No matter how many maybe’s he thought of and how many excuses he came up with, Arthur had barely acknowledged his existence, almost as if they didn’t even know each other. Taking a deep breath, Merlin got up. “I’m going home.”

“I can give you ride.” Percy squeezed his shoulder.

Shaking his head, Merlin buried his hands in the pockets of his jacket and ducked his head. “Thanks, but I need to…”

Percy nodded as he seemed to understand and Merlin patted Leon’s upper arm and then walked away.

+++

“Stop checking your mobile all the time, Merlin. It’s annoying.” Gwen threw him a look over her mug.

Merlin sighed. “Sorry.” He knew it was impolite but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to forget about Arthur but he just couldn’t. So, in a fit of…he didn’t even know what it was, he’d sent him a bold message, talking about fucking again and how ready he was and aside from a few hours of sleep, he hadn’t done anything but check his texts and the messages on the dating platform since. Where he had been polite before, at least declining all the offers of other blokes, he angrily clicked them away and blocked the guys to keep them from ever contacting him again.

Gwen put her hand on his over the breakfast table. “I’m sorry you got hurt.”

Again. That was what she wanted to say. He got hurt again. Once again, he had gone out with someone and fell head over heels for him without a chance of ever seeing him again. “I’ll live.”

“It’s not about whether or not you will live, it’s about how you will live. Just because you ran into another arsehole doesn’t mean there’s nobody out there for you.”

Merlin swallowed when he looked into her big brown eyes. Lance’s girlfriend had a way of looking at him that made him want to throw his arms around her neck and cry on her shoulder. “It’s like finding the needle in a haystack. No chance…”

“Chance! I’m not saying you should go out there right away, take your time to heal, but don’t give up hope.” Gwen squeezed his hand, put her mug down and got up. “I have to get ready for my shift. When I come back tonight and you’re in your room, moping, I’ll…” She threw him a look that was supposed to be dangerous which made Merlin smile for the first time in what felt like forever.

“You know, you two are lucky to have found each other.” He couldn’t help but sigh.

“And you will find someone, too, and you will be the luckiest bloke on this planet.” She leaned over, pressed a kiss on Merlin’s forehead and bounced out of the kitchen.

Merlin checked his mobile again and just then, a text came in.

_Sure. Want to skip the drink-part and come to my place?_

Staring at the display, Merlin pondered. If this message had came from anyone else, Merlin would have been offended, but he’d actually started the innuendo and practically suggested a booty call, hadn’t he? He set down his tea cup with more force than necessary, typed a _What time?_ and got up to take a shower, just in case Arthur wanted to meet right away.

As he toweled his arms, he looked at himself in the mirror. Maybe he should shave certain places? He decided for it and then checked his messages again.

_7_

Merlin nodded and decided against confirming. He would be there at 7 sharp and he would look his best.

+++

Taking a deep breath, Merlin rang the bell and waited. He had rehearsed a few greetings in his head over and over again, but when the door opened and Arthur stood there in nothing but a white towel around his waist, all the words fled his mind and he stared open-mouthed.

“You’ve made it.” Arthur smiled and stepped back to let him in.

“Hi.” Even though he wanted nothing more than to ravage Arthur right there and then, Merlin entered the place and looked around as he took his jacket off.

“Yes, living room, kitchen’s that way, office,” Arthur pointed. “And you already know where the bathroom and the bedroom are.” He stepped closer.

Merlin swallowed hard when Arthur was so close again. He had planned to talk to him first, to tell him that he didn’t really like how Arthur had brushed him off at footie and that he hadn’t called as he had promised. But that didn’t matter now, especially not when Arthur leaned in and kissed him. Sighing, he wrapped his arms around him and pressed close but Arthur pulled back with a chuckle.

“Don’t you think you’re a bit overdressed?” Arthur looked him up and down with an amused smile on his face, then turned to fill two glasses with champagne and took them along to where Merlin knew the bedroom was located.

Nervously, Merlin followed and gasped when Arthur set the glasses down and dropped the towel before he got on the bed, his head propped up on his arm, looking at him.

“Second thoughts?”

“No!” That had come out a bit too quickly, but Merlin toed his shoes off, his eyes never leaving Arthur’s face. He scrambled out of his clothes, leaving them in a heap and crawled onto the bed so he could lie on his side, facing Arthur.

“Damn, you’re so fucking hot.”

Merlin’s cheeks started to heat up. Obviously, Arthur said this a lot, but it still made his heart beat a bit faster.

“So are you.”

“How about some champagne now?”

Shaking his head, Merlin reached for Arthur. “I’d rather have you now.” Fuck his resolutions to confront Arthur, to talk, he didn’t care. Arthur was here, he was naked and Merlin’s body reacted. So he reached over and ran his fingers down Arthur’s arm.

Arthur’s smile turned into a smirk. “You want me? How? On your hands and knees like last time? Or flat on your belly? Turn around and I’ll take you like this, on your side.”

Merlin’s breath sped up at all the images this produced and he just nodded.

Chuckling, Arthur produced lube and condoms from underneath the pillow. “You wanted to put this on me last time.” He put the condom in Merlin’s hand and then ran his hand down Merlin’s side, resting it on his hips for a moment. “But I think I want to play with you a bit first.” He shoved Merlin onto his back and scrambled around so he could straddle him.

Merlin groaned and stretched a bit, reaching for the headboard.

“Gosh, Merlin…” Arthur ran his hands down Merlin’s torso, the pads of his thumbs teasing and caressing Merlin’s nipples before he leaned down and started to lick and suck at them.

Gasping, Merlin arched into the touch. He shivered as he felt Arthur’s tongue on him, his nipples hardened as Arthur’s teeth started to work them gently enough for him to feel the pressure but just shy from hurting. How could Arthur know that he liked it just like that? His cock was fully hard already – he had been fighting an erection since he left the house – and leaking and if Arthur kept this up, Merlin knew he would come just from having his nipples played with like that.

He grabbed the headboard hard and arched even more into the touch, but Arthur had different plans. He looked up and Merlin panted, he’d hardly ever seen a face so full of want and desire. Lifting his head to steal a kiss, Merlin groaned when Arthur teased him with his mouth hovering over his lips but then Arthur tilted his head and started licking at Merlin’s throat, making his way over his shoulder to his arm. There he ran the tip of his tongue down the exposed inside to Merlin’s armpit, which he gave all of his attention before he let his lips wander to Merlin’s nipple again.

Yes, yes please, Merlin wanted to say, hoping that Arthur would finish his business and make him come but Arthur had something else in mind, repeating the procedure with the other arm until he finally reached the other nipple again. Merlin bit his lower lip hard to not come yet. He knew he could, no problem at all, the things Arthur did to him set his body on fire. He was already sweating and panting hard, but he wanted more, he wanted everything Arthur would give him.

“Hold on tight. Don’t let go of the headboard.”

Arthur’s whisper sent shivers down his spine and make the wet nipple Arthur had been busy with perk up even more, if that was possible. Merlin lifted his head to watch as Arthur kissed and licked down his abdomen and sucked his belly in as he reached the navel. Just as Merlin thought, hoped, wanted Arthur to suck him, Arthur pulled back and Merlin’s head slumped back into the pillow.

“Spread them wide.”

Merlin had never been one to take orders. It wasn’t that he was very dominant, but he always liked when he and his partner were equals. With Arthur, he didn’t even blink and obeyed. Maybe Arthur would just fuck him hard now? Whatever, it was fine with him, as long as Arthur did it. Arthur surprised him again and Merlin couldn’t hold back the moan when he neglected Merlin’s aching dick and caressed his balls, the pressure changing constantly, once again from a feather-light touch to almost hurting, leaving Merlin light-headed and wanting more.

Arthur knew what he was doing, each time Merlin thought he would come, he felt Arthur’s fingers pressing around the base of his cock, keeping him from coming. Merlin couldn’t help but buck up when Arthur started smearing lube around his balls, making them even more slippery.

“I like that you shaved.”

All Merlin could do was nod. He didn’t care, though, at the moment, all that counted was having Arthur inside, so he almost chuckled breathlessly when he finally felt Arthur’s finger in him.

But then Arthur stopped all movement and Merlin opened his eyes and looked at him. “Did you prepare yourself before you came here? Or do you want it so badly that you’re nicely relaxed already?”

Merlin swallowed hard to say ‘No, I didn’t,’ but his body moved against the finger inside him and Arthur chuckled.

“Thought so. Just as eager and greedy as I remember.”

If Merlin had thought that Arthur would take advantage of this and finally fuck him, he had been wrong. Arthur took just as much time preparing him, using enough lube, widening him, teasing him with three or more fingers, making Merlin’s head spin and leaving him breathless. “Ar…Arthur…please,” he whined, his arms starting to tremble, he grabbed the headboard so hard.

“Condom?” Arthur sounded a little breathless himself and Merlin finally took his hands off the headboard to scramble around for the condom that he had dropped somewhere. He found it near the pillow and opened it with trembling hands. While he sat up and reached for Arthur’s prick, running his hand over the length a few times before he put the condom on, Arthur kissed his shoulders and ran his lube-covered hands down his arms.

Merlin looked up and he went for a kiss, but Arthur shoved him back onto the bed. “Turn to your side.” Merlin groaned and did as he was told. Arthur moved around so he was behind him, ran his hand down Merlin’s side again, down to his thigh, still avoiding Merlin’s hard-on, until he reached the knee. He made Merlin lift the leg and pulled it back at the knee, his own prick brushing against Merlin’s arse. He positioned himself and pushed in, once again in one stroke.

Yelling out, Merlin tried to move back, but he couldn’t do too much, his movement was limited by the position. He could wiggle his arse a bit and tried to pull Arthur’s legs closer. His hand firmly on Merlin’s thigh, Arthur shoved into him over and over again and Merlin wanted to come, but also needed this to last forever. Being fucked by Arthur was heaven, their bodies were made for each other, they fit perfectly. Merlin reached around and grabbed Arthur’s arse, trying to pull him in further but then he had to reach for his own cock that slapped against his belly. Arthur batted his hand away and finally, _finally!_ wrapped his hand around it, stroking, pulling and pressing in a rhythm that didn’t quite match the fucking, but it was all Merlin needed. “A…Arthur….” He keened and clenched around Arthur, feeling every bit of the hot length inside him while he tried to shove into the fist around his cock. He came hard, little stars dancing at the edge of his vision.

Stroking him all through his orgasm, Arthur didn’t forget to fuck but as soon as he felt Merlin relax again, he pushed him onto his stomach and nudged his legs apart. He pushed them up further on the bed and Merlin felt like his body was making an H, before he felt Arthur’s cock entering him again. Merlin was totally spent and knew he couldn’t come again this soon, but it still felt wonderful when Arthur fucked him. He even pulled his arse up a bit and the friction felt good and Merlin just enjoyed. Arthur sped up a while later and grunted out his climax while Merlin tightened around him to make it better for him. Slowly, Arthur pulled out and slumped down on the bed right next to him but Merlin was too breathless and blissed out to say anything.

The next morning, Arthur walked him to the door. Merlin knew he would feel everything they’d done for a while and he would be sore and his body would remind him of muscles he’d forgotten he had, but he had never felt better.

“Hey.”

Merlin turned and smiled when Arthur was in his personal space once again. “Hey.”

Leaning in, Arthur kissed him softly. “See you.”

“See you.” Merlin’s knees had almost given way at this kiss. It was different than the ones they’d shared before. He tried to ignore the butterflies, but they insisted on fluttering up as he turned and made his way down the corridor on wobbly legs.

+++

Leon handed Merlin his beer and looked at him.

“What is it?”

When Leon looked like that, he wanted to get rid of something that he had on his chest for way too long. “Merlin, it’s…”

Running a hand through his hair, Merlin scanned the place quickly before turning his attention back to Leon.

“It’s so difficult.”

“What?”

“I know we didn’t work out but I wish we had,” Leon sighed.

“Leon…I don’t think it’s a good idea to warm things up that have gone cold. I mean, we’re great as friends, aren’t we?” Oh no, the last thing Merlin needed now was an ex-boyfriend who wanted to warm things up again.

Leon shook his head. “That’s not what I mean, sorry. It’s just…if we had worked out, I wouldn’t have to watch you pine over Arthur. Arthur is a great guy, no question. He’s just not…he needs to grow up. He thinks jumping from one bloke to the other makes him the big shark, just…personally, I think this part of him is ridiculous.”

Leon was probably right, Merlin knew. It didn’t help with him wanting Arthur, though. And even though they’d had a rocky start, things had been very nice last time. All he needed was patience.

“He said it again at the last practice when he was joking around with Pedro.”

“Said what?”

“He doesn’t do ‘boyfriend’. He just wants adventure.” Leon set his beer down and looked at Merlin. “He doesn’t do anyone twice.”

A twinkle showed in Merlin’s eyes and a wide smile showed on his face. “I’m not anyone.”

+++

Setting his nasal spray down, Merlin took a deep breath as he stared at his screen. It had been two weeks since he’d been at Arthur’s place. He could breathe easier now that the nasal spray worked, but his heart was heavy nonetheless.

They’d had so much fun and fit together so perfectly. They even had talked when they recovered for round three…or had it been round four? Merlin couldn’t walk without smiling for days, still feeling how Arthur had taken him in ways he never thought possible.

But the best part had been the talking. About everything and nothing at all, like they had known each other forever. It was difficult to leave in the morning and Arthur had even taken him to the door and kissed him goodbye. Not just a peck on the cheek, a real kiss, gentle and soft.

He hadn’t seen him since then, though. Arthur had sent a quick text the week after to which Merlin had replied right away. It had taken Arthur another three days to reply and, of course, Merlin had waited before he sent his answer. He didn’t want to look too eager. But maybe he should look a bit interested, though. The way it was, it looked as if he was content with booty-calls; which he wasn’t, really. They were nice, but he wanted to get to know Arthur, be with him, spend time with him outside the bed…away from the back of the couch or the kitchen table. Just…date, yes, he wanted to date Arthur, to go out and have dinner with him or go to the zoo, to the movies or just for a walk. Those were things that were important to him, too and he wanted to experience all this with Arthur. Obviously Arthur didn’t want any of these things.

Merlin pondered going to footie practice again, this time confronting Arthur and demanding an answer, so he could finally move on. That would be too desperate, so he decided against it, still remembering how well the last time had gone when he had shown up there.

Taking a shaky breath, Merlin closed his eyes. His friends had been right. Arthur didn’t want him. Nobody wanted him. Once again, he had been good enough for some fun but not good enough for the rest. It was him who wasn’t boyfriend material and he would end up alone and lonely. Well, maybe not alone, he had a few good friends, but he was lonely already, so why would anyone change that? He was just not worth it.

+++

A few weeks later, Merlin had stopped replying to the reluctant messages he got from Arthur. Arthur never called, he wasn’t important enough to be called, he only ever received texts.

It still hurt like fuck, but Merlin knew he needed to be an adult about it. He might not move on, it was too early to move on, but he started going out with his friends again. Freya had managed to drag him to the pub again on Saturday night and even though he needed to remind himself more than once, he didn’t scan the place for Arthur and just enjoyed the conversations with Percy and Leon and the rest of the gang. It seemed the footie team had adopted him as one of their own and Freya flirted shamelessly with most of them.

Merlin laughed about something Jake said when they were discussing a TV show they both liked when he noticed that Leon and Percy were exchanging a look. That could only mean one thing: Arthur had entered the place.

Merlin refused to turn around to look. He sipped his beer when Arthur stepped up to their table. “Hi.” Immediately he was greeted by everyone and Merlin had a difficult time not to beam at him. He just pressed out a ‘hi’ and resumed his conversation with Jake where they’d left off, even though it wasn’t too easy to concentrate on the topic. If he wanted to lose interest in Arthur, he needed to stop acting like a smitten teenager and be a man.

It felt a bit odd that Arthur pulled up a chair and sat with them, talking to the others and the urge to turn to him or at least listen in on the conversation was strong, but Merlin withstood it. When he started to yawn, he finished his beer and reached for his jacket. “Time for me to go.”

“Will you find your way home alone or do you want me to take you?” Freya, who had thrown him concerned looks, asked.

Merlin blew her a kiss. After a few drinks she was always under the impression that she could protect him on the way home, totally ignoring the fact that he was a head taller and had a lot more muscles than she did.

“It’s alright, hon. Stay. I’ll find my way home.” He got up and tossed a “bye” to everyone, deliberately not looking at Arthur even though he felt Arthur’s eyes on him.

Outside, he pulled the zipper of his jacket up, fumbled for his nasal spray and after blowing his nose, he fell into a brisk walk, a small smile on his face. He thought he’d managed this evening pretty well. It wasn’t as if he and Arthur had broken up or anything, there had been no promises and no talks about the future. So why should he hang on Arthur’s every word and try to be near him? If Arthur didn’t want him – like everyone else – he didn’t want Arthur either. Or at least, he didn’t need him. Or…something.

Half way towards his place, his mobile buzzed.

_It was good seeing you tonight._

Merlin stopped and blinked. What?

_okay_

How was he supposed to answer that? And why hadn’t Arthur tried to talk to him all night only to send a message like that?

_Can I see you again soon?_

WHAT? Merlin stopped walking again and stared at the display. He really didn’t know what to reply to that. Part of him tried to make himself turn around and run back to the pub, even though he couldn’t be sure that Arthur was still there. The other part of him made him take a deep breath and clench his teeth.

_What do you have in mind?_

Maybe this wasn’t only a booty call, maybe Arthur really wanted to see him, to talk to him, to find out more about him?

_What do you think I have in mind?_

Merlin groaned. He should have known. He pocketed the mobile and continued walking. He wouldn’t react to that. Arthur didn’t see more in him but a willing hole or two and this time, he so wouldn’t get what he wanted. Even if it meant that he would stay lonely forever, he wouldn’t give and run after Arthur. No! Not this time.

He tossed the mobile onto the coffee table when he came in, scrambled out of his clothes and into his sweatpants and hoodie and tried to get comfy in front of the TV. He hoped to be able to fall asleep but was still wide awake when Lance came back from his shift. 

Lance scrambled out of his jacket, went to the fridge to get a bottle of water and then slumped into the chair and threw him a look. “You look like I feel.”

Merlin didn’t want to talk. Especially not with Mr. I’m-so-happy-in-my-relationship. “I can turn the TV down, so you can sleep.”

“Why don’t _you_ sleep?”

“Can’t.”

Lance sipped his water. “Arthur again?”

Merlin didn’t answer and kept his eyes on the TV where the same 3 infomercials were played on loop, but he hadn’t even noticed that.

“I wish I could make the perfect bloke for you,” Lance sighed.

“You’re a surgeon, you could.” Merlin’s voice dripped with sarcasm. He knew it wasn’t fair to direct his hurt and anger at Lance, he didn’t deserve it, but he couldn’t help it.

Laughing, Lance got up. “You wouldn’t be happy with a ragdoll of a person. Even if we managed to give them some kind of personality.” He yawned and stretched. “I’m going to bed.”

Merlin waved and pulled the blanket that he’d spread over himself sometime during the night, up further. He knew he was being pathetic. Pathetic enough for Lance to imagine putting body parts together so he would stop moping about his situation. But maybe that was all he deserved and he couldn’t expect more out of life.

 

+++

Merlin didn’t remember how he made it through the week but now it was Saturday night again and he was in a rather good mood. Which was probably only due to the alcohol buzzing through him as they celebrated Percy’s birthday at the pub, but it didn’t matter. More and more he enjoyed the company of the footie team; there was too much footie talk for his taste, but they were nice and it didn’t matter to them that he couldn’t offer his expertise on that matter.

“My song!” Percy yelled and pulled Merlin along to where a few tables had been pushed against the walls to make room for a make-shift dance floor.

Pushing his bottle into Freya’s hand, Merlin laughed as he let Percy drag him along. Dancing with Percy was always fun, nobody who saw the giant guy thought that he could move so gracefully as soon as music was involved. So they danced and rubbed against each other, laughing, knowing it wouldn’t go anywhere, but enjoying the moment, teasing each other and giving everyone a good show.

When they stumbled back and quenched their thirst, Jack nudged Merlin. “Hey, what about that bloke?” He pointed to a cute Asian looking guy.

“What about him?” Merlin blinked and ran a hand through his slightly sweaty hair.

“Not your type?”

Merlin frowned. His brain was a bit fuzzy but…”What are you trying to do here?”

Jack shrugged. “Just trying to help.”

“Help?”

“You need someone and he is someone, so if you liked him, you could go over and talk to him.” Jake sipped his beer and Freya laced her arm through his.

“You’re right, Jake. We need to find someone for Merlin. So, if this bloke isn’t to your liking, how about the one over there?”

Merlin blinked some more. “The one in the green t-shirt? Nah, and you should know that!”

“No, I mean the twink in the pink shirt. Too camp? Okay. Or the one in the striped polo shirt? He’s just your type, Merlin.”

She even pointed! Merlin untangled his arm from her hold. “If you guys keep that up, I’m going home!” Merlin glared and then felt Percy’s arm around his shoulder, so he wrapped his arm around Percy’s waist. “I’m here for Percy tonight, so there.”

Percy put a big wet smooch on Merlin’s cheek. “I love you, too. But they’re right, you need a man and we all know I’m not the one.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. Had they all teamed up against him now? Why couldn’t he just enjoy an evening with friends without this being the main topic? It was enough that it was the main topic when he was at home alone.

“Come on, Aidan, let’s dance.” He grabbed Aidan’s wrist and pulled the surprised man along.

As his friends looked after him, Jake pondered. “He knows Aidan’s not gay, doesn’t he?”

+++

Of course Merlin knew and it was fun to watch Aidan’s face and make him dance anyway.

He didn’t dance the same way he had done with Percy, the acquaintance too fresh and fragile to scare Aidan with physical contact, but it didn’t take long and Aidan danced – as far as straight footballers danced anyway, a little stiff in the hip and with some difficulty to hold the rhythm; Aidan totally fit the cliché.

As they wanted to go back to their friends, someone stepped into Merlin’s way and his heart – the traitor! – started to beat wildly. Arthur! Arthur was here! He should have known that Arthur would show up sooner or later, it was Percy’s birthday and Arthur was Percy’s friend, too. But for the first time in ages, Merlin had managed to completely forget about Arthur.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“Wanna dance?” Actually, his feet were aching and he was thirsty, but Arthur had never asked anything that wasn’t related to sex, so Merlin nodded and followed Arthur to the dance floor again. Even though it wasn’t a slow song, Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin right away and pulled him close. Looking into his eyes, he leaned in and kissed him.

Merlin’s head was spinning. This wasn’t happening, was it? He clung to Arthur and kissed him back for dear life. He didn’t notice that soon they weren’t on the dance floor anymore. Arthur was pressing him against the wall and still kissing him, his big hands roaming his body.

Someone hissed ‘Get a room’ as they passed them, but Merlin didn’t care. His body had taken over and all he wanted was Arthur. He wouldn’t mind if it was only for one more night, heck, he’d even go shag him in the toilets, Arthur made him so horny. His head fell back and he exposed his throat even more when Arthur started to kiss his way to his ear.

“My place?”

Already panting hard, Merlin nodded and didn’t let go of Arthur’s hand as he had just time to grab his jacket and follow Arthur out of the pub.

+++

This time, Merlin tried to pull Arthur to the bedroom as soon as they were inside, but Arthur held him back and as he turned around, Arthur’s lips crushed down on his again.

Pulling at shirts and pants, Merlin didn’t even know if he tried to remove his own or Arthur’s and he didn’t care as long as the fabric was gone, they stumbled around the room and bumped into the couch.

Arthur pulled back long enough to shove Merlin’s jeans down, spin him around and bend him over the back of the couch.

Merlin moaned and wiggled his arse. He hadn’t wanted to do this again, but come on, Arthur had actively approached him, had wanted him, nobody else in the whole world and sex with Arthur had always been great. He heard the wrapper of a condom being opened and tried to relax.

“Fuck,” Arthur murmured as he shoved into Merlin’s willing body.

Tensing up a bit, Merlin grit his teeth. The last few times, Arthur had taken time to prepare him, but this time, he’d only used a bit of lube and went for it. It didn’t really hurt, but there was a bit more friction and he felt it. As Arthur started to pound into him, Merlin slowly relaxed and enjoyed the hard shoves and almost giggled because they started to move the couch each time Arthur slammed into him.

Arthur had not only taken him over the back of the couch, they had moved to the bedroom after that and Merlin had cried out Arthur’s name again when he’d pounded him into the mattress. He’d be so sore again, but that didn’t matter.

Merlin’s heart was beating wildly again later, when they finally had made it to the bedroom. He liked Arthur’s bed, it was large and comfortable and the bedspreads soft and probably expensive. The best part, though, was that Arthur had moved close, wrapped his arm around him as they took a little break and softly kissed his shoulder where he could reach it.

Gently, he reached over and toyed with the ends of Arthur’s hair, marveling in how soft it was as Arthur pressed another little kiss against his arm.

“This is nice.”

“Mmhmmm.” Was all the answer he got.

“I could get used to this.” Merlin held his breath. Why did he say something stupid like this? It was true, he could get used to it. The raw sex with Arthur was fantastic, but the little glimpses of tenderness Arthur allowed once in a while tore at Merlin. He wanted more of that gentle Arthur, wanted to find him inside that tough shell.

As expected, Arthur pulled back and rolled onto his back. He looked up at the ceiling for a moment before he turned his head to look at Merlin. “Up for another round?”

Merlin groaned. As much as he wanted to discover that other side of Arthur, he couldn’t resist an offer like that. So he scrambled up and straddled Arthur.

“Got another condom?” He didn’t wait for Arthur’s answer and reached out to the nightstand where he knew Arthur stored his supplies and sighed when Arthur took the opportunity to slide his hands down Merlin’s sides and to lift his head to lick at Merlin’s nipples.

He stretched and bent down deeper so Arthur could get to him better and his dick hardened right away, rubbing against Arthur. “Yes…” he hissed. With nobody else he had ever been so ready in such a quick time.

“Let’s try something,” Arthur murmured against his chest.

“No…please, Arthur…don’t...” Merlin knew it would drive him crazy but he didn’t want to come from just having his nipples treated right. “I want you in me.” He sat back on his haunches and looked at Arthur, who scrambled up a bit, so he was leaning his back against the headboard, a little grin on his face.

“Nice idea, we’ll have to try that one time. But for now…” He reached for a new condom and put it into Merlin’s hand.

With trembling fingers, Merlin managed to get the package open – why did they have to be wrapped like that? It only delayed things! – and rolled it over Arthur’s dick, stroking it back to full hardness. He loved the feel of the hot skin pulling tight, the stiffness, the blood pulsing but what he loved even more was the way Arthur’s breath hitched and like he closed his eyes as his head fell back.

For a moment, he pondered blowing Arthur but that, like the experiment of him coming from nippleplay, had to be postponed to another time. He wanted Arthur inside him, so he smeared more lube on the condom and positioned himself.

Arthur opened his eyes. “Turn around.”

For once, Merlin would have loved to see Arthur’s face while they fucked, wanted to know what he looked like when he came, but Arthur knew what felt good, so Merlin scrambled around, braced his hands on Arthur’s thighs and, guided by Arthur, sank down on his length.

A sound that was between a wheeze and a pant escaped him. It was fantastic when Arthur slammed into him, but being impaled like this, feeling Arthur all the way, being in control, that was a total turn-on. Merlin gyrated his hips and a smile tugged at his lips when Arthur moaned with him. He sat up a bit straighter.

“Fuck, that’s good.” Arthur’s hands on his hips tried to set a rhythm of pushing him up a bit only to pull him down onto him right after.

But Merlin had different ideas. He alternated between pushing back against Arthur, just moving his hips in little circles, squeezing him with his muscles and then to lift himself only to sit back down quickly.

“Merlin!” Arthur tried to push up into him, but his range of movement was limited.

Merlin leaned back a bit when he felt Arthur’s cock growing just a bit more and did nothing but enjoy the sensation. He needed to calm down a bit, too, or else this would be over too soon. He just moved a little, as if pondering what to do next.

His own prick was hard and demanded attention, so he reached for it, but Arthur wouldn’t have it. He tried to scramble up a bit more into a better sitting position, taking care that he didn’t slip out of Merlin and then slid his hands up Merlin’s sides, to his chest, pulling him close, so Merlin’s back was pressed against Arthur’s chest. “Arthur…” Merlin could only gasp out Arthur’s name. They had never been so close, so connected and Merlin shivered when Arthur started to tease his nipples with one hand while his other hand slid down to Merlin’s erection and wrapped around it, stroking with light touches. The best thing, though, was Arthur’s lips in his neck, kissing, nibbling, panting hot breath against his skin.

“Close…” Merlin keened. There he had thought he was being in control while Arthur knew what he wanted to do and sensed what Merlin liked and did it.

Immediately Arthur pressed the base of Merlin’s cock to keep him from coming and to pull him back from the edge. It was brilliant and frustrating at the same time.

“Don’t, I’m not done with you yet.”

Merlin stretched and reached back, trying to pull Arthur’s head even closer, he wanted to feel him and the hand caressing his chest and abdomen was driving him crazy while the other hand resumed its touches and stroking.

Merlin lost all sense of time, it felt as if Arthur played with his body for hours, getting him close to climax but pulling him back each time, not letting him come, so he could tease him even longer.

Each time Merlin tried to work his muscles around Arthur inside him, Arthur made him stop moving altogether and more than once Merlin cried out, just feeling Arthur being connected with him like that.

But then they both reached a point where they couldn’t and didn’t want to hold back any longer and Merlin bucked into Arthur’s fist and yelled out when he came, his whole body tensing up, clenching around Arthur and pulling him over the edge too.

+++

Merlin didn’t want to fall asleep, this was the best night of his life and he wanted to enjoy every second of it.

They had slumped to their sides and after Arthur had slipped out and taken care of the condom, he’s rolled back and wrapped his arm around Merlin’s waist and pulled him close. Now he was snoring softly behind Merlin.

Yes, he could get used to this, he didn’t even mind the snoring. This was Arthur and Arthur had come back. Something he never did, according to the others. The butterflies in Merlin’s stomach fluttered wildly and Merlin scolded himself for that. But it had to mean something that he wasn’t just a one-night-stand for Arthur, that Arthur wanted him more than once, right?

At some point, he finally fell asleep and only woke up again when the sun was up and the birds were singing. He turned and found Arthur awake, looking at him with a strange expression on his face. Merlin smiled. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Arthur just threw him a glance and then looked at the ceiling.

Merlin didn’t know what to say. He was so sore and loved every bit of it. And the way Arthur looked…the sunlight from the window making his hair seem golden, even though it was still plastered against his head in places and stood up in others.

“What?” Arthur turned his head and looked at Merlin again. Merlin couldn’t help but smile wider. “I…” He turned to his side and reached over, so he could draw patterns into Arthur’s chest hair.

“You?” Arthur caught Merlin’s hand and held it in place.

“I think…” Merlin looked at Arthur’s blue eyes and wished he could look into them each morning after waking up. “I really like you.”

Arthur’s smile turned a bit wooden. He scrambled up and put a quick kiss on Merlin’s lips before he got up. “You’ve got a great arse. Perfect for fucking all night long.”

+++

That had set it straight. Arthur had made it clear that he was just in it for the sex. Merlin had tried to not show any signs of his disappointment but it took him a few days after that to reach a decision. He knew he was in love with Arthur and that wouldn’t change but if he broke it off completely, he would feel even more miserable. As long as nobody else came along and swept him off his feet, he could as well answer to the booty calls and have some fun with Arthur. He would take what he could get. It would be over at some point anyway and he would deal with his emotions then.

Merlin had long late-night discussions with Freya, who wasn’t happy about it and tried to convince him that if he didn’t do the right thing, then he would never get over Arthur if he kept seeing him. He stuck to his decision, though. Arthur might not be Mr. Right, but he was Mr. Right Now and Merlin was okay with the situation, so they had met for sex regularly and sometimes even talked about their days or about things they liked aside from each other’s bodies.

Arthur had a ball when Merlin showed up in his dragon undies that one time, teasing him that it was destiny, that the force of the boxer briefs had drawn them together and that this particular piece of underwear had known that they were perfect together all along. Merlin didn’t mind that Arthur laughed, the underwear was fun – and it was even more fun that Arthur had pulled them off of him with his teeth not to long after – and he knew that Arthur defined ‘perfect together’ as ‘very compatible when it came to sex’. He’d still worn the dragon undies a lot and paraded around in them at Arthur’s place. Arthur had gotten him a matching t-shirt, which he wore quite often when they had a late-night snack together in the kitchen or took a little break from sex, just talking on the balcony of Arthur’s apartment. Merlin fondly remembered one of the last times when Arthur had cornered him in the kitchen and wrapped his arms around him, kissing him gently, not even trying to get his hands under the shirt, just holding him until Merlin’s growling stomach had ruined the moment.

Now he stood in Arthur’s kitchen again and fried some eggs. They had been at it for hours and even though his legs felt a bit wobbly and he was sleepy, he knew he wouldn’t get a shut eye if his stomach kept bugging him. Merlin knew he had gotten too used to this already. He moved about Arthur’s place as if he lived here and even though they had never talked about it, Merlin had a little space in the bathroom for toothbrush, razor, allergy meds, and all the other things he needed to stay for the night. Last time, he’d found a new bottle of nasal spray right next to his things. When he asked Arthur about it, he had laughed and said that he needed Merlin fully functional and couldn’t have some awesome sex not happening just due to a clogged nose.

Merlin smiled when he heard Arthur padding into the kitchen and didn’t turn when Arthur wrapped his arms around his waist and put his chin on his shoulder. “Mmm, smells great.”

Merlin wasn’t sure if Arthur meant the eggs since he started nuzzling into the hair behind his ear. It didn’t take long before he felt Arthur’s hands underneath his t-shirt.

“Arthur.” Merlin swallowed hard. This was too…too…too much like in his dreams, too much what he wanted and Arthur didn’t.

“What?” A quiet whisper against his ear.

“You’re just making them flutter up again.” Merlin concentrated on the contents of the pan.

Arthur pulled back a bit. “I make what?”

“The butterflies, you’re making them flutter up when you do stuff like that.” Yawning, Merlin put the eggs on a toast and switched the oven off.

“Butterflies?”

Merlin didn’t feel like eating anymore, so he set the plate with the toast aside, turned and pulled himself up so he sat on the counter. He still held on to the counter and looked at his naked feet. “The ones in my stomach.”

Arthur huffed out a chuckle. “You’ve got butterflies in your stomach…sometimes you don’t make sense, Merlin.”

Feeling Arthur’s questioning look on him, Merlin took a deep breath. Things were going so well lately and he didn’t want to ruin it, but it was true. When they were in bed with Arthur riding him hard, he could forget about the butterflies, but in situations like these, when he was making breakfast or they just cuddled on the couch because Arthur had hurt his back playing footie, the evil insects ran havoc inside Merlin. “It’s just…it’s not important.” But it was.

“Tell me.” Arthur kept his distance, not touching Merlin but was still close enough for Merlin to feel his presence.

 

“It’s…it’s childish…Remember what I said the night of Percy’s birthday?” He swallowed hard. “I know you don’t like me that way, but…when I really like someone, it feels as if a hoard of butterflies is in my stomach and flies around happily, tickling my insides, making me feel good and a little as if I have to throw up.”

Arthur drew a deep breath.

“I’m fine with what we’re doing. I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t.” Merlin didn’t move his head but lifted his eyes. “But when you do something like that, the butterflies are having a party and I can’t make it stop, even though I know you don’t feel the same way.”

Surprise and confusion flickered over Arthur’s face and he rubbed his neck with one hand before a huge grin took over. “If I didn’t know it better, I’d think you were a big girl. Eat your toast and then come back to bed. I still have a few things in mind that I want to do with you.” Arthur winked and left the kitchen.

Merlin felt slightly sick and not hungry anymore. So he just sat there for a while, dangling his feet. Had it been a mistake to tell Arthur about the butterflies? Then again, what was wrong about Arthur knowing exactly how he felt about him? He hadn’t thrown him out right away and wanted to have him back in bed. Their arrangement could continue the way it was. Merlin slid off the counter, took a detour via the bathroom and made his way back to the bedroom.

“What took you so long?” Arthur jerked his head to indicate he wanted him to come closer.

Merlin just shrugged and came over, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Arthur leaned in and kissed him softly. “Once again, you’re overdressed,” he whispered and started to pull the dragon-t-shirt up.

Sighing, Merlin knew he couldn’t resist. No matter that Arthur just saw a willing sex partner in him, he was in love and couldn’t turn him away. So he helped removing the shirt and pushed his boxer briefs down too. Merlin knew about Arthur’s fascination with his arse and didn’t mind too much that Arthur always wanted him to face away while he pounded into him. He crawled back onto the bed and laid flat on his stomach.

Arthur took his time trailing his fingers along his spine, caressing with little circles and kissing down his back and by now he knew all the sensitive spots and had Merlin squirming in no time.

“Arthur…” Pushing his arse up, Merlin hoped Arthur would get the clue and take him again.

“Turn around, babe.” Merlin held his breath. Arthur wanted him to turn around? Did he just want to play with his body a bit longer, teasing him until he couldn’t bear it any longer or did he really…

Arthur pulled at Merlin’s hips, making him turn around and Merlin stared in awe as Arthur rolled another condom down his cock and positioned himself between Merlin’s legs. “Lift them up and pull them back.”

Merlin knew the moves and pulled his knees towards his chest. He sighed deeply when Arthur entered him again and pressed his head back into the pillow. As Arthur slowly pulled back, he watched Merlin’s face closely and Merlin held his gaze. This was fantastic and so much more than he thought he’d ever get from Arthur. He tried to lift his head and was once again surprised that Arthur didn’t pull back, but leaned forward as he slid in again and tried to capture Merlin’s lips with his. It was a bit awkward in this position but they kissed and Arthur just moved his hips slowly before he pulled back and started to pound into Merlin.

Merlin’s head was spinning. They’d never done that before. There had been kissing, lots of kissing, just never really while Arthur was inside him. Merlin grabbed at Arthur and keened as they found a rhythm. It felt so different from all the other times, so much better, and he was close to coming already.

Instead of a witty remark – which Arthur usually had for him when he was close very fast – Arthur stopped moving and leaned in for another kiss.

The butterflies in his stomach fluttered so violently that Merlin almost felt sick. If he didn’t know better, he’d thought that Arthur was making love to him.

+++

Merlin sat on the window sill that overlooked the small garden of the house and sipped his tea. He was still in the sweatpants and hoodie he’d been sleeping in as Freya emerged from his room, in a rather similar outfit – just a few sizes too big - her make-up from the night before all over her face.

“Mrng.” Rubbing at one eye, she padded into the kitchen and helped herself to a cup of tea.

“Morning.” Merlin was tired, but he couldn’t help but smile at her.

She came back and sat down at the table, looking at him with tired eyes, leaning her head in one hand.

“The raccoon look suits you.”

“Thanks, honeybunch.” She didn’t even attempt to wipe at her eyes. “I might have left some of it on the pillow, too. Keep it as a souvenir, a reminder of a wild night with me.” She stuck her tongue out at him and then sipped her tea.

It had been very early when they left the pub – 4:30 or so, Merlin didn’t really remember – and since the way to his place was shorter, she had decided to come along. He had been in the bathroom when she helped herself to some of the clothes in his closet and scrambled into bed before he could object. He didn’t mind anyway, he was drunk, tired and Freya was so small, she didn’t take up much room anyway.

Or so he had thought. He’d totally forgotten that she first hogged the blanket and then starfished, so she had almost tossed him out of bed. Which was the reason for him being up so early on a Sunday morning.

He yawned.

“Thanks, dear.”

“By the way, you snore.” She sipped her tea.

“That’s what you get for sleeping next to a nasal spray junkie. It’s my bed, live with it.”

“About two hours ago the snoring stopped.” She tried to run a hand through what had once been a carefully arranged hairdo but gave up when she noticed some of the hair needles were still lost somewhere in what resembled a nest now.

Merlin huffed out a chuckle. “That was when I got up because you almost threw me out of bed. You’re a horrible sleeper.”

“Love you, too.”

They sat in silence for a while.

“You know…I like that you’ve at least had some fun lately, but…” Freya threw him a concerned look.

Oh no, not again. “Listen, Freya. I know you’re not happy with what I’m doing. I can’t help it, though, staying away would be even worse. So let me have fun while it lasts, okay?”

Freya didn’t say anything for a while, but she clearly wasn’t happy with his decision. She just opened her mouth and was about to say something when Merlin’s mobile rang.

He answered it right away to avoid further discussion. “Yes?”

Freya looked at him interestedly.

“Gwaine! Where are you?” Merlin’s face lit up. “WHAT? Why didn’t you call earlier?...Of course!...I’m sure Lance won’t mind…Come on over!” He slid off the window sill and nodded as he still listened. “Great, great, you need to tell me all about it!”

When he hung up a while later, he turned to Freya.

“Gwaine is back!”

+++

A few hours later, they sat in the living room, catching up.

“Last time I heard from you, you were somewhere in Australia, trying to tame devils.” Merlin laughed.

Gwaine chuckled. “Tasmania, but that was almost half a year ago. Damn, was I gone for so long?”

Freya sipped her tea. “Tell us all about the trip. Where have you been? What have you done?”

Gwaine was a childhood friend of Merlin’s, he knew him even longer than Freya. They had grown up together with Gwaine living just down the street. Him, the boy who never knew his father, Gwaine the one who’d just lost his father, so they had connected and been inseparable in whatever mischief they could manage. When they were a bit older, they found out they both liked boys a lot more than girls and of course they had experimented, but even though they liked boys, they didn’t like each other that way. It had been fun, but they were like brothers, so they had turned to other guys after a few snogging, wanking sessions and a failed attempt of blowjobs.

It had hurt Merlin that Gwaine didn’t send texts more often while he was on his trip around the world in the past two years, claiming he had to find himself. Then again, Gwaine had been to remote places and in a lot of them, he couldn’t even get a connection. On the other hand, Gwaine wasn’t the type to send long reports anyway, he only lived in the moment. Now he was back and Merlin wanted to know everything.

Even though he’d said that it was okay, Merlin had checked back with Lance. They paid the rent together, so he couldn’t decide on his own that Gwaine could crash on their couch for a few days until he found his own place. Lance was fine with it and since then they sat and talked, interrupted by trips to the kitchen to refill cups and glasses and to raid the fridge and by a phone call for take-out. Gwaine was telling funny stories about things he’d seen or experienced, making Freya ‘ew’ more than once when he talked about all the food he’d tried in Asia, and they all shuddered when he mentioned the size of certain insects and spiders in South America.

Once in a while, he made a remark that made them all fall silent since it was really touching and it showed that Gwaine wasn’t all about fun and adventure, he genuinely cared for people and tried to help where he could.

“You must have met a lot of men on the way.” Freya wiggled her eyebrows but Gwaine just grinned.

“One or two. But enough about me. How have you been faring while I was gone? Anything to report, Merlin?” Gwaine looked at his friend expectantly.

Merlin noticed how Freya held her breath. They had managed to talk for hours without the topic coming up, so he just shook his head. “Nothing new to report.” And Gwaine didn’t have to know everything, at least not on his first day back. He would notice soon enough anyway.

“No butterflies? Too bad. You know, you’re too good for this world, Merlin. Nobody dares to claim you for themselves.” Gwaine got up and stretched. “Bathroom break.”

Just as Merlin was about to confirm that no, no butterflies, his mobile beeped.

_My place in half an hour_

“Oh? Something important? You grabbed for this thing the moment it started buzzing.” Gwaine’s eyes twinkled in amusement.

“No, not important at all.” Part of Merlin wanted to go. Sex with Arthur was fantastic. But…no. Not this time. Arthur needed to see that there were more important things than him. So he didn’t even grace the booty call with a reply. Arthur probably had a ton of blokes who were willing to take his place, he would find someone else to fuck.

Freya leaned over and put a kiss on the tip of his nose. “Well done.”

+++

It felt like they’d done nothing all weekend but talk. When Merlin left for work in the morning, Gwaine was still sleeping on the couch in the living room and when he came back, Gwaine was on the phone, trying to find a place or reconnecting with old friends. Then they sat together and Merlin asked Gwaine about certain places and of course Gwaine had a thousand stories more to tell.

After a stern talk in the kitchen where Lance had warned Gwaine off of his girlfriend, they got along surprisingly well. Gwaine was still flirting with Gwen, but even Lance had to see that he was flirting with everyone and it didn’t mean anything.

_Gwaine will come along on the weekend_

Merlin smiled when he saw Freya’s message during lunch break. Of course Gwaine would come along. Gwaine showed all the signs of getting antsy in the place. It wasn’t that he hadn’t gone out shopping or for other things, but since he had no obligations, he spent a lot of time in the apartment and started to get restless. Merlin had planned to introduce him to his new friends anyway. They would love him for all the stories he was telling, even though Merlin knew that the more often Gwaine told a story, the bigger and more fantastic it got. They would like him and welcome him into their circle, especially when they found out that he loved footie too.

So they entered the pub on Friday night and Merlin only needed to say “Guys, this is Gwaine.” and he knew he needn’t have worried. Gwaine was the center of attention in no time, a spot he loved, and everybody was laughing at his stories and asking about certain details. Merlin liked how Gwaine still stuck close to him anyway. It was a behavior he had adopted when Merlin was being bullied by some older blokes when they were in school and he’d never lost it since. Gwaine always made sure that he was safe. It was good having Gwaine back.

“Hi, Merlin.” Merlin startled when Arthur stepped up to the high table they had gathered around and addressed just him.

“Hi.” He smiled. The way Arthur looked at him made him squirm. “Arthur, this is Gwaine. I’ve told you about Gwaine, haven’t I?” Merlin knew he’d never mentioned Gwaine to Arthur, but that didn’t matter.

Arthur glanced at Gwaine and nodded, looking him up and down, before he put his arm around Merlin’s shoulder.

Merlin threw him a questioning look but Arthur didn’t show any reaction and sipped his beer, listening to the conversation. Merlin couldn’t follow a word that was being said. What did this mean? Arthur had never done anything like this before. He’d never wrapped his arm around his shoulder in public, not even when they were on the way to his place; never showed a sign of affection aside from the short moments when they weren’t fucking.

If Merlin wasn’t so confused, he would probably have noticed the surprised look Percy and Leon were exchanging, with Percy raising an eyebrow and Leon shaking his head quickly. He might have noticed Freya throwing Arthur dark looks, but he didn’t. His whole insides went jelly, thinking and even breathing became difficult.

Pretending that nothing was out of the ordinary, Merlin bit his lower lip and tried to focus on what Gwaine was saying. Luckily, it was a story of their endeavors from school, so he could add to it and had the laughs on his side soon.

“Never knew you had that in you, Merlin.” Jake laughed and raised his beer.

Merlin grinned and let his bottle clink with Jake’s. The hand on his shoulder felt good, it was something he had always wanted, it felt as if it belonged. Merlin just needed to remind himself that Arthur didn’t mean it that way. “Maybe there’s more to me than you all can see.” He laughed.

To his amusement, Percy had squeezed himself between Aidan and Gwaine and asked interested questions and listened intensely to whatever Gwaine was saying. Merlin was surprised when Gwaine returned the attention. Percy was a looker and Gwaine wasn’t bad-looking plus his personality and charms did what his looks couldn’t, but he’d never in a lifetime think that his friends could be a perfect match. Merlin took another sip of his beer and shook his head. It wasn’t as if Percy and Gwaine were about to get married. Let them have a bit of fun flirting. They would find out if they were compatible pretty soon. So far things looked good as Gwaine flicked his hair back and beamed at Percy, who shyly smiled back.

“Too bad they put tables on our dance floor,” Freya observed.

“They only move them away when someone announces their birthday party, this isn’t a club,” Leon offered.

Freya suggested they should move to a club so they could dance and as they discussed the pros and cons for a while, Merlin exchanged an amused look with Leon when he noticed that neither Gwaine nor Percy had an opinion since they were too busy snogging.

Somehow Freya managed to convince the folks at the tables to move, so they had a little dance floor again and she pulled Cenred, the second keeper of the footie team, to the dance floor. Merlin chuckled, Freya usually got what she wanted.

“I’m going to the loo,” Arthur whispered into his ear.

Merlin swallowed hard. It was clearly an invitation. One he was not going to accept. Not tonight. Not on Gwaine’s first night out with them, even though he was pretty sure that Gwaine wouldn’t have any reservations and go with Percy if he asked. No, Gwaine would ask Percy. But Arthur needed to understand that some things were more important and even though he enjoyed their encounters, he wasn’t available 24/7. He threw Arthur a look. “Okay.”

Was that a little disappointed look on Arthur’s face? Well, he better get used to it. Merlin wouldn’t be at his service any time he just threw him a look, no matter how much his body wanted it. Arthur needed to learn this. Merlin downed the rest of his beer as he looked after Arthur who made his way to the loos.

“But I wanna dance!” Freya whined as Cenred brought her back to the table. “Dance with me, Merlipooh.” Merlin rolled his eyes at this new nickname, but gave in to her pulling at his arm. This way it didn’t look as if he waited for Arthur’s return. He was a grown-up, he could have fun with whoever he wanted, even if it was dancing with his straight girl-friend. He chuckled when he noticed that Freya obviously had a drink or two too much. He’d take her home before she could go on and have a killer hangover the next day, but not before she’d done had enough dancing. He’d never get her off the dance floor before she decided it was enough, stubborn little creature that she was.

Actually, he had only meant to check how far Percy had gotten – which was having his tongue down Gwaine’s throat from the looks of it and Gwaine enjoying it to the fullest – when he noticed that Arthur was back. He and Leon seemed to be in a conversation. No, not a conversation, a discussion. One that Arthur obviously didn’t like. They both looked angry and Leon was insistently talking at him.

When Freya finally needed a break and they came back to the table, Arthur was gone. Merlin threw Leon a questioning look, but Leon didn’t react. “What was that about?” He inquired.

“What was what about?” Leon took a sip of his beer and looked everywhere but at Merlin.

“Come on, Leon, you know what I’m talking about. That argument with Arthur, what was it about? I appreciate if you try to protect me, but I’m a big boy, I can take care of myself. I know how to handle this.”

“I know, Merlin.” Merlin frowned. Leon was a man of gentle words, always trying to explain himself. That he didn’t say anything else wasn’t normal. All of a sudden, Merlin didn’t feel like partying anymore. He took his jacket, pressed a kiss to Freya’s cheek, made sure that Gwaine was still busy with Percy, and left.

+++

This had been a weird evening. It had started out great and had become even better when Arthur put his arm around him. But somehow it had been falling apart and Merlin tried to figure out why as he walked to the next open tube station. He had told Arthur no for the second time. Well, he hadn’t really said ‘no’, but he had refused to follow him to the loos and that was a rejection that needed no words. Maybe that had been the point where Arthur finally understood that he wouldn’t be available for booty calls at any given time. Well, at least not all the time. Or more…more on his own terms.

He climbed up the stairs at his station and fumbled for his key in the pocket of his jacket. As he rounded the corner to his street, he saw a figure sitting on the stairs to their building. Oh, swell, a drunk who thought this was the right place for a sobering-up nap. Would he be able to step around him to get inside without waking him up?

The closer he came, the clearer it became that the person wasn’t napping, they were sitting on the stairs, looking at him approaching. “Arthur?” The evil butterflies in his stomach, that had been very active since Arthur had put his arm around him, flew up again. Merlin couldn’t help it. He wanted to detach himself emotionally from Arthur, but he was too much in love with him to be able to switch it off, no matter how hard he tried. That night he had told Arthur about the butterflies and that it was a clear sign that he liked someone a lot when they were fluttering about. Arthur, as expected, had laughed it off.

“Merlin.”

“What are you doing here?” Merlin stood there, his hands in the pockets of his jacket and looked down at Arthur.

“Merlin…can we talk?”

Talk? What did Arthur want to talk about? The butterflies died. Arthur was here to tell him that if he didn’t want the sex anymore, that was it, there would be no more meetings. Maybe that was just what he needed? Maybe Arthur should have told him all these months ago at the footie field; that way he could have dealt with it by now.

“Sit with me?” Arthur patted the stairs next to him and Merlin sat down. It was odd to have Arthur this close, maybe for the very last time.

“I…this is difficult,” Arthur started.

Merlin didn’t say anything, he was way too confused. If Arthur wanted to end their arrangement, he could have sent a text, like he always did. What was he doing here? What did he want from him?

“I’ve never…Merlin, when I first contacted you…all I wanted was…but now…”

“All you wanted was a fuck.” Why not call things by their names? It sounded harsh to his own ears when he put it this way.

“Yes.”

There, Arthur said it. The few butterflies that still had wiggled a bit until now, finally died. Merlin felt sick. His mind had known all the time, his heart just was a stubborn old thing. When Arthur stayed silent for a while, Merlin took a deep breath. “You got your fuck. You’ve got more than one.”

“That’s the thing…” Arthur laughed nervously.

“What? It never looked like you didn’t like it.” Oh great. Now Arthur didn’t only tell him off, he also told him that he didn’t enjoy the sex with him one bit.

“Yes, I did. I do! I…I usually never do anyone twice.” Arthur sighed and looked at his hands.

Without wanting to, Merlin switched into full sarcasm mode. “What are you trying to tell me? That I’m such a great fuck that you wanted it more than once? Wow, thank you very much, I feel so flattered now.”

Arthur’s voice was almost not audible. “At first I thought so.”

Merlin swallowed hard and looked down the street, away from Arthur. He was only here to tell him that this wouldn’t lead anywhere and that he shouldn’t set his hopes up high; just what the others had told him about Arthur and what he had known all along, Arthur was about to confirm.

“Since we started fucking, I’ve had nobody else.” Arthur said, his eyes trained on a car that was parked across the street.

Merlin blinked as his head spun around. “But you’ve pulled lots of other blokes.” He had seen it with his own eyes.

With a bitter little laugh, Arthur looked back at his hands. “Never went through with it.”

“You’ve…” Merlin’s eyebrows shot up as he stared at the side of Arthur’s face.

A little headshake. “Nope.”

Had Merlin been confused before, his confusion multiplied by a thousand. “Why not?”

Arthur shrugged and threw him a wry smile. “They weren’t you.”

Merlin’s heart started to beat faster. What was Arthur trying to tell him? He took a deep breath but didn’t know what to say. The blokes weren’t him and therefore Arthur couldn’t fuck them? Did that mean…?

“And then you show up with this Gwaine!” Arthur jumped up and started to pace. “You had never mentioned him before and he’s all charismatic and good-looking and into you!”

Jealous? Could it be that Arthur was…jealous? Of Gwaine? That meant that somewhere, deep down in his heart, he had some kind of positive emotions for him? Merlin stared at Arthur and followed his every move. “You are aware of the fact that Gwaine and I have known each other forever, aren’t you?”

“Long enough to do…things!”

Merlin couldn’t help but laugh at the stubborn expression on Arthur’s face.

“See? You don’t even deny it!”

Yes, there had been some fumbling, touching and kissing, there was the memory of them both coming too fast and a lot of giggling while they tried to give each other blow jobs. But that was none of Arthur’s business, Merlin was entitled to have his own experiences. He smiled. “ We do have a history but I’m not a teenager anymore.” He shrugged “So what?”

Arthur slumped down next to him. “I don’t know.”

“And you’re here because you don’t know.” Merlin didn’t know what to feel. It was awfully cute that Arthur threw a jealous-fit because of Gwaine. But he had no right to do so, right? He’d never promised Merlin anything.

“Yes…kind of.” Arthur took a deep breath but didn’t say anything for a long time.

Merlin’s heart was beating hard. He was probably already in his bed, dreaming and Arthur would…no, it was more likely that Arthur was about to tell him that he liked him a bit but still didn’t do ‘exclusive’. It had never been clearer to Merlin that this was just the thing he didn’t want. This back and forth thing they’d been doing for months now was something he didn’t want to do any longer. All or nothing. Even though he was very likely ending up with nothing.

“I’ve never…” Arthur started but trailed off again.

“Arthur,” Merlin said softly as he threw him a side-ways look, “What are we doing here, in the middle of the night, freezing our butts off sitting on the steps?”

“Would be a shame, yours is a really nice one.”

Merlin huffed out a chuckle. “You’re here to talk about my arse?”

“That, too.” Arthur threw him a wry smile.

Merlin just looked at him and waited.

“It’s…it’s true. Since we’ve been together, I haven’t had anyone else. It’s just…they’re not you.” Arthur looked down at his hands again. “I tried to get you out of my system…stick to my ‘only once’ rule. But you were there and you didn’t go away.”

“I was at footie practice just once! And it’s not my fault that my friends are your friends, too.”

“In my thoughts, Merlin, you were always there. I just couldn’t get you out of my head.” Arthur ran a hand through his hair. “I compared everyone to you.”

“But you don’t really know me.” Merlin hadn’t intended to sound so bitter, but it was true. Arthur only knew what they had talked about at their first date. At their only date, Merlin corrected himself. All the other times they had met and fucked, the longest sentence uttered was something like “Oh God, you’re tight.” Or “Right there!” Which wasn’t true either, sometimes one of them had mentioned something they liked and Merlin was sure that he had revealed a lot more about himself than he had intended when they talked about their days or something that had happened around them, especially that weekend where Arthur could hardly move because of a footie injury.

“But I’d like to.”

Merlin gaped. “You…”

“Yes, Merlin. I don’t know how it happened, but you’re the first bloke that I want more of.”

“More sex? Arthur, I don’t think I can do this anymore. You know I want something else, more than just booty calls. I really like you, but that’s not the way I can be with you. It would tear me apart.” So that was it. Arthur would say something like ‘okay, then we can’t see each other again’ and they were finally over.

“Me too.”

Merlin’s head shot up. “What kind of ‘arrangement’ are you thinking of?” He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to hear this.

“No ‘arrangement’, Merlin. I…” Arthur took a deep breath. “I’ve quit fucking around….because of you. I…I want to try it.”

“It?” Merlin was so nervous, he felt sick. What did Arthur have in mind?

“The ‘boyfriend’-thing. If you’d have me.” He let out a deep sigh. “I totally understand if you didn’t, though.”

Merlin was speechless. Arthur really wanted to be his boyfriend? “Are you…are you sure?”

“Merlin, I can’t sleep. I can’t eat, all I do lately is think of you. It scares the living daylights out of me, I’ve never felt this way before. I didn’t mean for this to happen, but somehow…accidentally…,” Arthur shrugged and smiled wryly. “I fell in love with you.”

Merlin blinked. That was what he’d wanted to happen from the very first moment they’d met. With all that had happened and what he had learned about Arthur, it was difficult to believe, though. “You…” he couldn’t help the smile splitting his face, no matter how hard he tried. “You ‘accidentally’ fell in love with me?”

“Yes.” Arthur smiled carefully and Merlin had never seen him so open and vulnerable. “Seems so. I understand if you don’t…”

Merlin nudged his side. “You know how I feel, that hasn’t changed.” He turned and looked at Arthur. He knew chances were that Arthur would change his mind pretty soon and go back to fucking every cute bloke he laid eyes on, but for now, Merlin didn’t care. He didn’t want to think about the chance that Arthur could be gone in a few months or even weeks, that could happen with anyone.

“So…you are willing to give me a chance? But I have to warn you, I have no experience as a boyfriend at all.”

Merlin nodded and then yelped when he felt Arthur’s lips on his. He wrapped his arms around Arthur’s neck and kissed back. The kiss was a lot different from the heated passionate ones they had shared in the past. This wasn’t to arouse, it was more like…sealing a deal. A deal that made Merlin’s heart jump and the butterflies in his stomach run havoc.

When they broke for air, Arthur smiled at him. “I’m going to say something now that I’ve never said to anyone before.”

Merlin held his breath and looked at Arthur with wide eyes.

“I love you.”

A huge smile split Merlin’s face and a happy laugh escaped him. “Butterflies and all?”

Arthur chuckled and nodded as he caressed Merlin’s hairline with the pad of his thumb. “Butterflies and all.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Epilogue

 


End file.
